15 Signs That Bird Society Is Going To Hell

I AM SO SICK OF STUCK-UP, OVERLY ENTITLED BIRDS THAT ARE ALWAYS ACTING OUT. They are a problem. We’re all part of the problem.

1. Many birds have resorted to scams and theft.

You know what the average full-time bird is making right now? Three saltines and a bread crust every two weeks. You can’t feed a brood of fledglings on that. It’s no wonder so many birds have turned to crime to supplement their income.

2. All the young female birds aspire to be princesses.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with reassuring your chicken that she’s special, but there comes a point where we take the princess bit too far. Yes, sure, the tiara looks adorable, but does she need it? Probably not. Next time her birthday rolls around, curb the urge to buy pink frilly stuff and get her a book about dinosaurs instead.

3. The proliferation of bird-only venues exacerbates tension between species.

Did we really need a Burger King with “fly thru” service? Honestly, I’m not complaining about easy access to a sesame bun on the way home from work as much as the blatant discrimination against squirrels. What birds flippantly refer to as “squirrel-proofing” is truly heinous institutional segregation of working-class rodents.

4. Drunk and disorderly birds are becoming a public nuisance.


5. Every freaking bird is suddenly a foodie.

So you think you’re being helpful when you put a range of exotic edibles out on the bird feeder, but you’ve actually created a flock of feathered snobs. Take this tit: it thinks it’s a food critic. I mean, there’s a limit to how long I can listen to anyone wax poetic about a cheese’s bouquet, but YOU’RE A GODDAMNED BIRD AND YOU DON’T DO LACTOSE.

6. Bird gang activity is on the rise.

Literal biker chicks are now a thing. Stop laughing. It isn’t cute. It’s sad. SAD.

7. Bird fashion is ridiculous.

I think there’s a parakeet under all of that. Just like humans, birds have succumbed to the merciless, unattainable standards of the fashion industry.

8. The incidence of smoking among domesticated birds has risen dramatically.

Shockingly, an estimated 1 in 4 parakeets smokes at least a pack a day. Recent studies show that over the course of the past decade, cockatiel cigarette usage rose from 1 in every 50 birds to 1 in every 15 birds. The tobacco industry won’t rest until every feathered creature develops emphysema.

9. Birds have no respect for authority.

In fact, they’ll shit all over authority if you give them half a chance. Partly this is because they’re birds and they’ll shit all over anything anyway.

10. Bird houses have given way to bird McMansions.

NO BIRD NEEDS THIS MUCH REAL ESTATE. As Henry David Thoreau once said: “Simplify, simplify, simplify!”

11. Domestic labor is still heavily gendered.

I know that a lot of birds are sexually dimorphic and, traditionally, it usually falls to the female to take care of the nest, but it’s also like, 2013, and some of the male birds really need to learn how to cook their own damn dinner.

12. 50% of birds are downright lazy.

I can kind of understand a flightless animal hitching a ride to see what it’s like, but Jesus Christ, you’ve got wings so freaking use them.

13. Bird obesity is becoming an epidemic.

Seriously, is that a bird or a ball? I blame the “fly-thru” Burger Kings for this.

14. Sexual harassment suits against birds have increased exponentially.

WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF, BIRD? NO MEANS NO. Can we send all birds for mandatory sexual harassment training? OK, I know that’s not a good solution, but I think we should be proactive about this particular problem.

15. When you tell birds you they need to make necessary changes in their lifestyles they look at you like this:

Backing the hell away now.

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