1.
2.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
3.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
4.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
5.
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it
6.
I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER
7.
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
8.
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
9.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
10.
11.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
12.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
13.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
14.
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
15.
16.
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
17.
"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
18.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
19.
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts
20.
21.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
22.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
23.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
24.
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
25.
26.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
27.
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
28.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
29.
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
30.
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
31.
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
32.
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
33.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
34.
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
35.
36.
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
37.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
38.
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
39.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
40.
41.
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
42.
[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis
43.
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
44.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
45.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
46.
"You CAN even." - white girl life coach
47.
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
48.
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
49.
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
50.
51.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
52.
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
53.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
54.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
55.
please tell me. i must defeat him
56.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
57.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
58.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
59.
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
60.
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.
61.
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
62.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
63.
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
64.
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
65.
66.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
67.
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
68.
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
69.
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
70.
71.
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
72.
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
73.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
74.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
75.
My new business cards just came in
76.
cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a
77.
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
78.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
79.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
80.
81.
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
82.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
83.
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
84.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
85.
