2.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Cohen is a ghost@skullmandibleFollow
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
6:50 PM - 12 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
3.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
Mos Def Leppard@JohnielDanFollow
How much for the horse tornado?
8:17 PM - 26 Feb 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.
4.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
Brian Essbe@SortaBadFollow
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
12:39 AM - 05 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
5.
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it
demi adejuyigbe@electrolemonFollow
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it
4:30 PM - 28 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
6.
I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER
i aint even Bill Nye@Bill_Nye_thoFollow
I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER
11:07 PM - 30 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
7.
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
Charlene deGuzman@charstarleneFollow
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
10:08 PM - 06 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
8.
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
tony logan@tnylgnFollow
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
6:56 PM - 07 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
9.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
rob delaney@robdelaneyFollow
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
12:23 PM - 05 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
11.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
chuuch@ch000chFollow
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
1:08 PM - 19 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
12.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
@TitansHomer@TitansHomerFollow
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
6:03 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
13.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Karen Kilgariff@KarenKilgariffFollow
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
1:20 PM - 24 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
14.
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
Scotty@MarylandMudflapFollow
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
12:11 PM - 26 Apr 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
16.
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
blake@LeemanishFollow
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
1:33 PM - 24 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
17.
"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Cool Eric@OBiiieeeeFollow
"Are you sexually active?"
7:19 AM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
No
"Any drug use?"
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
18.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Megan Amram@meganamramFollow
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
6:04 PM - 25 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
19.
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts
Artie Johann@DearAnyoneFollow
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts
1:14 PM - 09 Dec 10ReplyRetweetFavorite
21.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Guy Endore-Kaiser@GuyEndoreKaiserFollow
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
11:11 AM - 19 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
22.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
Mike Leffingwell@mikeleffingwellFollow
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
11:23 PM - 22 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
23.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
brendan@superduperkewlFollow
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
11:33 PM - 14 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite
24.
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
11:42 AM - 29 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
26.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
Joshua Allen@firelandFollow
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
1:08 PM - 30 Jun 09ReplyRetweetFavorite
27.
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
Damn Dirty Ape@Zaius13Follow
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
4:23 PM - 28 Jul 10ReplyRetweetFavorite
28.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
Dave D (im a skelton@davedittellFollow
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
12:35 AM - 11 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
29.
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
Shari VanderWerf@shariv67Follow
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
5:59 PM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
30.
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
Darin Ross@luckyshirtFollow
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
11:08 PM - 12 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
31.
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
RoughDiction@roughdictionFollow
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
10:39 AM - 03 Aug 09ReplyRetweetFavorite
32.
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
Beard Spice@BeardSpiceFollow
"Do you have Coke"
5:32 PM - 30 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
No, is Pepsi okay
"Do you have updog"
What's updog
"Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
33.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Brian Gaar@briangaarFollow
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
3:51 PM - 14 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
34.
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
MattyTalks @mattytalksFollow
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
3:55 PM - 08 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
36.
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
halloween lindsey@LindzetaFollow
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
12:49 AM - 15 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
37.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Andy H.@AndyAsAdjectiveFollow
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
10:34 PM - 29 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
38.
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
Simon Barrett@Simon_BarrettFollow
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
12:54 PM - 08 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
39.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
Ted Travelstead@trumpetcakeFollow
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
8:13 PM - 18 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
41.
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
Orenthal J Simpkinsn@jsaffle1Follow
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
3:57 AM - 06 Apr 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
42.
![[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/466431119534329858/7ncWKKow_normal.jpeg)
[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis
Cat Damon@CornOnTheGoblinFollow
[me] goodnight moon
11:21 PM - 30 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
[moon] new phone who dis
43.
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
Jeff Wysaski@pleatedjeansFollow
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
1:29 PM - 19 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
44.
![[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000769019466/a883f4f363b107d2378d561c5d50131a_normal.jpeg)
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
David Hughes@david8hughesFollow
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
11:41 AM - 01 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
45.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
Chelsea Hell@Chelsea_ElleFollow
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
4:20 PM - 16 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
46.
"You CAN even." - white girl life coach
Reverend Scott@Reverend_ScottFollow
"You CAN even."
6:30 PM - 19 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
- white girl life coach
47.
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Derek Lawler@RowdyBowdenFollow
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
1:00 PM - 13 Mar 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
48.
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
Grenade Spice@shadygrenadeFollow
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
7:52 AM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
49.
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
k e e t@KeetPotatoFollow
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
6:03 AM - 21 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
51.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Sage Booooggs@sageboggsFollow
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
12:13 PM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
52.
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
Scare-ann Dolan@EireannDolanFollow
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
3:38 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
53.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
Elle O'Lantern@ElleOhHellFollow
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
10:50 AM - 01 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
54.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Justin Furano@JustinFuranoFollow
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
9:30 AM - 13 Feb 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
55.
please tell me. i must defeat him
Zebulon Sneed@swarthyvillainFollow
please tell me. i must defeat him
11:09 AM - 11 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
56.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
shut up, mike@shutupmikeginnFollow
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
4:59 PM - 26 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
57.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Witchy Woman@dreamthievinFollow
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
7:30 PM - 29 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
58.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Mike PrimaveryScary@primawesomeFollow
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
1:55 PM - 04 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
59.
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
moody monday@mdob11Follow
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
2:54 AM - 23 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
60.
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.
Tyler Schmall@tylerschmallFollow
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.
8:15 PM - 21 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
61.
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Tim@Playing_DadFollow
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
9:11 PM - 02 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
62.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
Jason Miller@longwall26Follow
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
7:31 PM - 23 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
63.
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
Ace... Ace?@AceMakesWordsFollow
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references:
5:51 AM - 12 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
1.
2.
princes kneel before you
Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
64.
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
wint@dril
66.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Local Deadbody@MrPhetzFollow
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
10:08 AM - 25 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
67.
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
frankenmustard@nice_mustardFollow
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
3:05 PM - 03 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
68.
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
sreegs@ahuj9Follow
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
1:01 PM - 16 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite
69.
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
Fortune Cookie:
6:58 PM - 22 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
71.
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
Big Money Rowlf@iRowlfFollow
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
4:05 PM - 04 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
72.
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
Jamie Woodham@jwoodhamFollow
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
1:14 PM - 14 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
73.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Brendan O'Hare@brendohareFollow
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
8:58 PM - 07 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
74.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
75.
My new business cards just came in
Matt Ingebretson@mattingebretsonFollow
My new business cards just came in
1:01 PM - 15 Apr 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
76.
cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a
Social Extortion@SocialExtortionFollow
cop: where were you last night?
12:06 PM - 26 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
shakira: at home sleeping
shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place
shakira: son of a
77.
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
9:16 AM - 20 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
78.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
7:04 PM - 03 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
79.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
1:42 PM - 19 Sep 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
81.
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
Pumpkinbblesmith@kibblesmithFollow
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
11:12 PM - 15 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
82.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Snorklhuahua@weinerdog4lifeFollow
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
7:43 PM - 28 Jan 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
83.
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
Scott Thompson@greenteam15Follow
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
10:26 AM - 13 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
84.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
adam@AdamTheLobsterFollow
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
5:10 PM - 22 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
