The 85 Funniest Tweets Of All Time

Each year we tweet nearly 200 billion times. These are the only 85 that matter.

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I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER

— i aint even Bill Nye (@Bill_Nye_tho)
7.

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene)
8.

Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.

— tony logan (@tnylgn)
9.

"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen

— rob delaney (@robdelaney)
11.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

— chuuch (@ch000ch)
12.

Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.

— @TitansHomer (@TitansHomer)
13.

FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff)
14.

Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"

— Scotty (@MarylandMudflap)
16.

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

— blake (@Leemanish)
17.

"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee)
18.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

— Megan Amram (@meganamram)
19.

"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts

— Artie Johann (@DearAnyone)
21.

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser)
22.

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell)
23.

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

— brendan (@superduperkewl)
24.

is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible)
26.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

— Joshua Allen (@fireland)
27.

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

— Damn Dirty Ape (@Zaius13)
28.

waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

— Dave D (im a skelton (@davedittell)
29.

My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67)
30.

The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.

— Darin Ross (@luckyshirt)
31.

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

— RoughDiction (@roughdiction)
32.

"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice)
33.

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar)
34.

Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks)
36.

when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"

— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta)
37.

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective)
38.

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett)
39.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake)
41.

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

— Orenthal J Simpkinsn (@jsaffle1)
42.

[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin)
43.

I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job

— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans)
44.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes)
45.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.

— Chelsea Hell (@Chelsea_Elle)
46.

"You CAN even." - white girl life coach

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott)
47.

Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden)
48.

*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"

— Grenade Spice (@shadygrenade)
49.

he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest

— k e e t (@KeetPotato)
51.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

— Sage Booooggs (@sageboggs)
52.

"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding

— Scare-ann Dolan (@EireannDolan)
53.

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

— Elle O'Lantern (@ElleOhHell)
54.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

— Justin Furano (@JustinFurano)
55.

please tell me. i must defeat him

— Zebulon Sneed (@swarthyvillain)
56.

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn)
57.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

— Witchy Woman (@dreamthievin)
58.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

— Mike PrimaveryScary (@primawesome)
59.

"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

— moody monday (@mdob11)
60.

You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall)
61.

Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

— Tim (@Playing_Dad)
62.

Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."

— Jason Miller (@longwall26)
63.

How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try

— Ace... Ace? (@AceMakesWords)
64.

if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

— wint (@dril)
66.

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

— Local Deadbody (@MrPhetz)
67.

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard)
68.

a steak pun is a rare medium well done

— sreegs (@ahuj9)
69.

Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice)
71.

I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf)
72.

DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.

— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham)
73.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare)
74.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

— wint (@dril)
75.

My new business cards just came in

— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson)
76.

cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a

— Social Extortion (@SocialExtortion)
77.

"I wrote a poem," he threatened

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible)
78.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26)
79.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard)
81.

Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies

— Pumpkinbblesmith (@kibblesmith)
82.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life)
83.

I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard

— Scott Thompson (@greenteam15)
84.

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

— adam (@AdamTheLobster)

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