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The 85 Funniest Tweets Of All Time

Each year we tweet nearly 200 billion times. These are the only 85 that matter.

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2.

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Cohen is a ghost@skullmandibleFollow

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

6:50 PM - 12 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

3.

How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.

Mos Def Leppard@JohnielDanFollow

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.

8:17 PM - 26 Feb 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

4.

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

Brian Essbe@SortaBadFollow

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

12:39 AM - 05 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

5.

4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it

demi adejuyigbe@electrolemonFollow

4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it

4:30 PM - 28 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

6.

I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER

i aint even Bill Nye@Bill_Nye_thoFollow

I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER

11:07 PM - 30 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

7.

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

Charlene deGuzman@charstarleneFollow

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

10:08 PM - 06 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

8.

Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.

tony logan@tnylgnFollow

Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.

6:56 PM - 07 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

9.

"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen

rob delaney@robdelaneyFollow

"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen

12:23 PM - 05 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

11.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

chuuch@ch000chFollow

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

1:08 PM - 19 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

12.

Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.

@TitansHomer@TitansHomerFollow

Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.

6:03 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

13.

FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Karen Kilgariff@KarenKilgariffFollow

FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

1:20 PM - 24 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

14.

Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"

Scotty@MarylandMudflapFollow

Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"

12:11 PM - 26 Apr 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

16.

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

blake@LeemanishFollow

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

1:33 PM - 24 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

17.

"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Cool Eric@OBiiieeeeFollow

"Are you sexually active?"
No
"Any drug use?"
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

7:19 AM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

18.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Megan Amram@meganamramFollow

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

6:04 PM - 25 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

19.

"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts

Artie Johann@DearAnyoneFollow

"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts

1:14 PM - 09 Dec 10ReplyRetweetFavorite

21.

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

Guy Endore-Kaiser@GuyEndoreKaiserFollow

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

11:11 AM - 19 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

22.

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

Mike Leffingwell@mikeleffingwellFollow

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

11:23 PM - 22 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

23.

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

brendan@superduperkewlFollow

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

11:33 PM - 14 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite

24.

is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

Cohen is a ghost@skullmandibleFollow

is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

11:42 AM - 29 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

26.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

Joshua Allen@firelandFollow

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

1:08 PM - 30 Jun 09ReplyRetweetFavorite

27.

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

Damn Dirty Ape@Zaius13Follow

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

4:23 PM - 28 Jul 10ReplyRetweetFavorite

28.

waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

Dave D (im a skelton@davedittellFollow

waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

12:35 AM - 11 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

29.

My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.

Shari VanderWerf@shariv67Follow

My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.

5:59 PM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

30.

The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.

Darin Ross@luckyshirtFollow

The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.

11:08 PM - 12 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

31.

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

RoughDiction@roughdictionFollow

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

10:39 AM - 03 Aug 09ReplyRetweetFavorite

32.

"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"

Beard Spice@BeardSpiceFollow

"Do you have Coke"
No, is Pepsi okay
"Do you have updog"
What's updog
"Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"

5:32 PM - 30 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

33.

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

Brian Gaar@briangaarFollow

Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

3:51 PM - 14 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

34.

Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

MattyTalks @mattytalksFollow

Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

3:55 PM - 08 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

36.

when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"

halloween lindsey@LindzetaFollow

when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"

12:49 AM - 15 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

37.

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

Andy H.@AndyAsAdjectiveFollow

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

10:34 PM - 29 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

38.

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

Simon Barrett@Simon_BarrettFollow

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

12:54 PM - 08 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

39.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

Ted Travelstead@trumpetcakeFollow

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.

8:13 PM - 18 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

41.

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

Orenthal J Simpkinsn@jsaffle1Follow

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

3:57 AM - 06 Apr 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

42.

[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis

43.

I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job

Jeff Wysaski@pleatedjeansFollow

I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job

1:29 PM - 19 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

44.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

David Hughes@david8hughesFollow

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

11:41 AM - 01 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

45.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.

Chelsea Hell@Chelsea_ElleFollow

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.

4:20 PM - 16 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

46.

"You CAN even." - white girl life coach

47.

Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Derek Lawler@RowdyBowdenFollow

Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

1:00 PM - 13 Mar 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

48.

*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"

Grenade Spice@shadygrenadeFollow

*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"

7:52 AM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

49.

he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest

k e e t@KeetPotatoFollow

he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest

6:03 AM - 21 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

51.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Sage Booooggs@sageboggsFollow

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

12:13 PM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

52.

"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding

Scare-ann Dolan@EireannDolanFollow

"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding

3:38 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

53.

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

Elle O'Lantern@ElleOhHellFollow

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

10:50 AM - 01 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

54.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Justin Furano@JustinFuranoFollow

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

9:30 AM - 13 Feb 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

55.

56.

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

shut up, mike@shutupmikeginnFollow

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

4:59 PM - 26 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

57.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Witchy Woman@dreamthievinFollow

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

7:30 PM - 29 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

58.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Mike PrimaveryScary@primawesomeFollow

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

1:55 PM - 04 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

59.

"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

moody monday@mdob11Follow

"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

2:54 AM - 23 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

60.

You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.

Tyler Schmall@tylerschmallFollow

You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.

8:15 PM - 21 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

61.

Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Tim@Playing_DadFollow

Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

9:11 PM - 02 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

62.

Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."

Jason Miller@longwall26Follow

Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."

7:31 PM - 23 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

63.

How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try

Ace... Ace?@AceMakesWordsFollow

How to make a list without Spin Doctors references:
1.
2.
princes kneel before you

Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try

5:51 AM - 12 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

64.

if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

wint@drilFollow

if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

8:31 PM - 27 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

66.

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

Local Deadbody@MrPhetzFollow

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

10:08 AM - 25 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

67.

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

frankenmustard@nice_mustardFollow

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

3:05 PM - 03 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

68.

a steak pun is a rare medium well done

sreegs@ahuj9Follow

a steak pun is a rare medium well done

1:01 PM - 16 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite

69.

Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL

Beard Spice@BeardSpiceFollow

Fortune Cookie:

YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL

6:58 PM - 22 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

71.

I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

Big Money Rowlf@iRowlfFollow

I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

4:05 PM - 04 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

72.

DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.

Jamie Woodham@jwoodhamFollow

DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.

1:14 PM - 14 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

73.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Brendan O'Hare@brendohareFollow

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

8:58 PM - 07 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

74.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

wint@drilFollow

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

12:29 PM - 11 Oct 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

75.

76.

cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a

Social Extortion@SocialExtortionFollow

cop: where were you last night?
shakira: at home sleeping
shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place
shakira: son of a

12:06 PM - 26 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

77.

"I wrote a poem," he threatened

78.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Jason Miller@longwall26Follow

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

7:04 PM - 03 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

79.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

frankenmustard@nice_mustardFollow

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

1:42 PM - 19 Sep 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

81.

Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies

Pumpkinbblesmith@kibblesmithFollow

Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies

11:12 PM - 15 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

82.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Snorklhuahua@weinerdog4lifeFollow

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

7:43 PM - 28 Jan 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

83.

I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard

Scott Thompson@greenteam15Follow

I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard

10:26 AM - 13 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

84.

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

adam@AdamTheLobsterFollow

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

5:10 PM - 22 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

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