2.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Cohen is a ghost@skullmandibleFollow
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
6:50 PM - 12 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
3.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
Mos Def Leppard@JohnielDanFollow
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.
8:17 PM - 26 Feb 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
4.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
Brian Essbe@SortaBadFollow
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
12:39 AM - 05 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
5.
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it
demi adejuyigbe@electrolemonFollow
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it
4:30 PM - 28 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
6.
I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER
i aint even Bill Nye@Bill_Nye_thoFollow
I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER
11:07 PM - 30 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
7.
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
Charlene deGuzman@charstarleneFollow
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
10:08 PM - 06 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
8.
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
tony logan@tnylgnFollow
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
6:56 PM - 07 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
9.
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
rob delaney@robdelaneyFollow
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
12:23 PM - 05 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
11.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
chuuch@ch000chFollow
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
1:08 PM - 19 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
12.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
@TitansHomer@TitansHomerFollow
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
6:03 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
13.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Karen Kilgariff@KarenKilgariffFollow
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
1:20 PM - 24 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
14.
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
Scotty@MarylandMudflapFollow
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
12:11 PM - 26 Apr 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
16.
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
blake@LeemanishFollow
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
1:33 PM - 24 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
17.
"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Cool Eric@OBiiieeeeFollow
"Are you sexually active?"
No
"Any drug use?"
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
7:19 AM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
18.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Megan Amram@meganamramFollow
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
6:04 PM - 25 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
19.
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts
Artie Johann@DearAnyoneFollow
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts
1:14 PM - 09 Dec 10ReplyRetweetFavorite
21.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Guy Endore-Kaiser@GuyEndoreKaiserFollow
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
11:11 AM - 19 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
22.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
Mike Leffingwell@mikeleffingwellFollow
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
11:23 PM - 22 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
23.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
brendan@superduperkewlFollow
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
11:33 PM - 14 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite
24.
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
11:42 AM - 29 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
26.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
Joshua Allen@firelandFollow
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
1:08 PM - 30 Jun 09ReplyRetweetFavorite
27.
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
Damn Dirty Ape@Zaius13Follow
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
4:23 PM - 28 Jul 10ReplyRetweetFavorite
28.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
Dave D (im a skelton@davedittellFollow
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
12:35 AM - 11 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
29.
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
Shari VanderWerf@shariv67Follow
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
5:59 PM - 10 Jul 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
30.
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
Darin Ross@luckyshirtFollow
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
11:08 PM - 12 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
31.
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
RoughDiction@roughdictionFollow
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
10:39 AM - 03 Aug 09ReplyRetweetFavorite
32.
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
Beard Spice@BeardSpiceFollow
"Do you have Coke"
No, is Pepsi okay
"Do you have updog"
What's updog
"Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
5:32 PM - 30 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
33.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Brian Gaar@briangaarFollow
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
3:51 PM - 14 Nov 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
34.
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
MattyTalks @mattytalksFollow
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
3:55 PM - 08 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
36.
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
halloween lindsey@LindzetaFollow
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
12:49 AM - 15 Jan 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
37.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Andy H.@AndyAsAdjectiveFollow
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
10:34 PM - 29 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
38.
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
Simon Barrett@Simon_BarrettFollow
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
12:54 PM - 08 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
39.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
Ted Travelstead@trumpetcakeFollow
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
8:13 PM - 18 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
41.
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
Orenthal J Simpkinsn@jsaffle1Follow
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
3:57 AM - 06 Apr 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
42.
![[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/466431119534329858/7ncWKKow_normal.jpeg)
[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis
Cat Damon@CornOnTheGoblinFollow
[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis
11:21 PM - 30 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
43.
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
Jeff Wysaski@pleatedjeansFollow
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
1:29 PM - 19 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
44.
![[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000769019466/a883f4f363b107d2378d561c5d50131a_normal.jpeg)
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
David Hughes@david8hughesFollow
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
11:41 AM - 01 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
45.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
Chelsea Hell@Chelsea_ElleFollow
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
4:20 PM - 16 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
46.
"You CAN even." - white girl life coach
Reverend Scott@Reverend_ScottFollow
"You CAN even."
- white girl life coach
6:30 PM - 19 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
47.
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Derek Lawler@RowdyBowdenFollow
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
1:00 PM - 13 Mar 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
48.
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
Grenade Spice@shadygrenadeFollow
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
7:52 AM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
49.
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
k e e t@KeetPotatoFollow
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
6:03 AM - 21 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
51.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Sage Booooggs@sageboggsFollow
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
12:13 PM - 05 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
52.
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
Scare-ann Dolan@EireannDolanFollow
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
3:38 PM - 28 Dec 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
53.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
Elle O'Lantern@ElleOhHellFollow
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
10:50 AM - 01 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
54.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Justin Furano@JustinFuranoFollow
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
9:30 AM - 13 Feb 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
55.
please tell me. i must defeat him
Zebulon Sneed@swarthyvillainFollow
please tell me. i must defeat him
11:09 AM - 11 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
56.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
shut up, mike@shutupmikeginnFollow
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
4:59 PM - 26 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
57.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Witchy Woman@dreamthievinFollow
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
7:30 PM - 29 Jan 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
58.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Mike PrimaveryScary@primawesomeFollow
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
1:55 PM - 04 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
59.
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
moody monday@mdob11Follow
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
2:54 AM - 23 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
60.
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.
Tyler Schmall@tylerschmallFollow
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture.
8:15 PM - 21 May 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
61.
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Tim@Playing_DadFollow
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
9:11 PM - 02 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
62.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
Jason Miller@longwall26Follow
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
7:31 PM - 23 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
63.
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
Ace... Ace?@AceMakesWordsFollow
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references:
1.
2.
princes kneel before you
Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
5:51 AM - 12 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
64.
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
wint@dril
66.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Local Deadbody@MrPhetzFollow
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
10:08 AM - 25 Jun 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
67.
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
frankenmustard@nice_mustardFollow
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
3:05 PM - 03 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
68.
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
sreegs@ahuj9Follow
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
1:01 PM - 16 Sep 11ReplyRetweetFavorite
69.
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
Fortune Cookie:
YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
6:58 PM - 22 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
71.
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
Big Money Rowlf@iRowlfFollow
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
4:05 PM - 04 Apr 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
72.
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
Jamie Woodham@jwoodhamFollow
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
1:14 PM - 14 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
73.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Brendan O'Hare@brendohareFollow
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
8:58 PM - 07 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
74.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
75.
My new business cards just came in
Matt Ingebretson@mattingebretsonFollow
My new business cards just came in
1:01 PM - 15 Apr 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
76.
cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a
Social Extortion@SocialExtortionFollow
cop: where were you last night?
shakira: at home sleeping
shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place
shakira: son of a
12:06 PM - 26 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
77.
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
9:16 AM - 20 Sep 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
78.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
7:04 PM - 03 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
79.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
1:42 PM - 19 Sep 12ReplyRetweetFavorite
81.
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
Pumpkinbblesmith@kibblesmithFollow
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
11:12 PM - 15 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
82.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Snorklhuahua@weinerdog4lifeFollow
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
7:43 PM - 28 Jan 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
83.
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
Scott Thompson@greenteam15Follow
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
10:26 AM - 13 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite
84.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
adam@AdamTheLobsterFollow
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
5:10 PM - 22 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
