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How To Raise A Proper British Child In 20 Steps

You don't have to be British to have a proper British child. You just need to follow these simple steps.

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1. Teach them the sanctity of politely waiting for the green man, even if it doesn't apply to them:

2. While you are at it, just have them memorize this pamphlet:

3. Encourage outdoor play but teach them about the dangers of being reckless:

4. Teach them that it is only acceptable to be impolite in in the presence of a rival football team.

5. Skip the museum, and instead have a nice day out practicing standing on the right. anglophenia/2012/10/the-best-of-london-undergrounds-spoof-signs/

6. Teach them to temper their excitement.

7. And while you're at it, give them a proper lesson in taxation.

8. If they insist on lying, teach them to do it properly.

9. And teach them that if they're going to be incorrect, they should at least have a sense of humor about it.

10. Teach them to take a stance on Marmite so this never happens to them.

11. Teach them that a leisurely day out is no excuse for underdressing.

12. Let them know that this is true, but that they should still try not to be a numpty.

13. Allow them to watch CBeebies, but only if they ask nicely.

14. Remember that displays of affection are important, but should be reserved for special occasions.

15. Teach them that football is 30% talent, and 70% faking an injury.

16. Teach them to be respectful and deferential to their elders.

17. And remind them that flattery will get them everywhere.

18. Remind them that it's never too early to learn to be self-sufficient.

19. Set realistic expectations for when they get older.

20. And impress upon them the importance of the lesson that you should never steal another person's tea.

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