1.
[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?
2.
*I hold my date's hand for the first time* Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
3.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
4.
I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats
5.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
6.
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
7.
[at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins
8.
[first date] me: So, do you like street magic? her: Not really me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either
9.
anxiety got me approaching relationships like
10.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up
11.
(on a first date) you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos *with way too much food in my mouth* they hate it though
12.
[1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
13.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps
14.
An extremely accurate description of what it's like to hook up with me
15.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
16.
[getting ready for a date] ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate ME: ok [later] DATE: i love this restaurant ME: haha i love u too
17.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
18.
DATE: you smell so nice - what are you wearing? ME: Febreeze
19.
[during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
20.
*a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
21.
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable. him: Uncomfortable? me (getting naked): Yes.
22.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse?
23.
Good things to say after sex 1. thanks 2. that was fun 3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died 4. where then 5. where is he
24.
him: your single? why? me: you're*
25.
*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
26.
boy: you have really pretty eyes... me: *suspicious* thank you...??? boy: *leans in slowly* me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
27.
Boys are like TVs. I wasn't allowed to have one in my room as a kid and now I probably could but what's the point when you have a laptop?
28.
911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION