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23 Questions Scots Have For England

Why are you incapable of choosing a name for bread rolls?

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1. What's with your rivalry between the north and south?

We thought we were bad enough with the whole Glasgow vs Edinburgh thing, but you guys take it to a whole new level.

2. Why are you so afraid of everything?

It's a fox, not a lion.

3. And why did you think this was OK?

Really? Didn't anybody realise?

4. How are you all so polite all of the time?

"Honestly, it's fine, look... don't worry about it" - Translation: I will never forget this. Never.

You really need to let off some steam once in a while.

5. WTF is all this Pimms chat?

Is it a drink or is it a salad?

6. How many meals a day do you want?

Elevenses, brunch, supper, tea... is three just not enough?

7. Why do you have so many names for these?

Bap, cob, morning roll, batch, barm cake, stotty... please make your mind up.

8. Why do you think that all Scottish people love deep fried mars bars?

Where did this come from? Never tried one. Never will. Never even seen one for sale. Stop asking.

9. Also, why do you always feel the need to put on a terrible Scottish accent when in our presence?

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10. Do you guys actually watch cricket?

If so, why? It's like adult rounders but more boring.

11. Why don't you have free wifi on your trains?

You need to follow in ScotRail's footsteps. What else are we meant to do on trains: Talk to other people? Don't be silly.

12. Why are your warning signs so posh?

Don't think that would prevent much nuisance.

13. And why do your insults even sound polite?

Dear Hay Fever, Please sod off. Yours hopefully, Lots of people

"Sod off" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "get tae fuck".

14. Why do you put sugar in your porridge?

It's just unnatural. Stick some salt in there instead.

15. Do you guys really drink tea all day every day?

It seems you do like to live up to your stereotypes.

16. Why is your school year system so odd?

20th Century Fox / Via

"When I was in Year 9...." What does that even mean? Is that the same as S3?

17. Does anyone actually buy these?

Nobody likes cockiness.

18. Why are you so obsessed with Doctor Who?

I mean yes, David Tennant is wonderful, but tone it down a bit guys.

19. Like, seriously obsessed.

Calm doon.

20. How can you call this a "full" breakfast?

Where's the black pudding, haggis, tattie scone, and lorne sausage?

Now that's a full breakfast.

21. Why do you all freak out at the tiniest bit of bad weather?

12°C and up is taps aff time!

Just enjoy it.

22. Why do you call these things potato cakes?

They're tattie scones! And they're meant to be triangular!

23. And finally, can you please stop calling this a teacake?