1. What's with your rivalry between the north and south?
2. Why are you so afraid of everything?
It's a fox, not a lion.
3. And why did you think this was OK?
Really? Didn't anybody realise?
4. How are you all so polite all of the time?
"Honestly, it's fine, look... don't worry about it" - Translation: I will never forget this. Never.
You really need to let off some steam once in a while.
5. WTF is all this Pimms chat?
6. How many meals a day do you want?
Elevenses, brunch, supper, tea... is three just not enough?
7. Why do you have so many names for these?
Bap, cob, morning roll, batch, barm cake, stotty... please make your mind up.
8. Why do you think that all Scottish people love deep fried mars bars?
9. Also, why do you always feel the need to put on a terrible Scottish accent when in our presence?
10. Do you guys actually watch cricket?
If so, why? It's like adult rounders but more boring.
11. Why don't you have free wifi on your trains?
12. Why are your warning signs so posh?
13. And why do your insults even sound polite?
Dear Hay Fever, Please sod off. Yours hopefully, Lots of people
"Sod off" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "get tae fuck".
14. Why do you put sugar in your porridge?
15. Do you guys really drink tea all day every day?
It seems you do like to live up to your stereotypes.
16. Why is your school year system so odd?
17. Does anyone actually buy these?
Nobody likes cockiness.
18. Why are you so obsessed with Doctor Who?
I mean yes, David Tennant is wonderful, but tone it down a bit guys.
19. Like, seriously obsessed.
Calm doon.
20. How can you call this a "full" breakfast?
Where's the black pudding, haggis, tattie scone, and lorne sausage?
21. Why do you all freak out at the tiniest bit of bad weather?
12°C and up is taps aff time!
Just enjoy it.