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41 Things All Scottish Dads Say

"Stoap that cairryoan!"

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1. "Ah'm no sleepin', ah'm jist restin' ma eyes." – when you sneakily tried to change over from Taggart.

2. "When you make the money you can choose the programme." – when you complained that your favourite show was on the other side.

3. "Do you think ah'm made of money?" – when you wanted an extra fiver for a Greggs on the way home from school.

4. "All his eggs are double-yoakit!" – when someone was showing off.

5. "Failin' means yer playin'." – when he made you feel better for trying.

6. "Stoap that cairryoan!" – when you were geein' it laldy.

7. "You jist open yer mooth and let yer belly rumble." – when you were talking mince.


8. "Ah'm no a bloody taxi!" – when you asked for a lift anywhere.

9. "Yer no leavin' the house dressed like that!" – when he did not approve of your Friday night outfit (if you're a girl).

10. "Pull yer breeks up!" – when he did not approve of your Friday night outfit (if you're a boy).

11. "Were you born in a barn?" – when you didn't quite close the door properly.

12. "Gie yer mother a wee cuddle." – when he played the peacemaker in your arguments.

13. "Help yer mother in wi' the messages." – as soon as he heard the car door shut.

14. "That's bloody bedlam." – when he heard your favourite band's music.

15. "They get their money easy." – when your favourite presenter was on the telly.

16. "You're skatin' on thin ice!" – when you were on your last warning.

17. "You're gonnae eat me out of house and hame." – when you raided the fridge after school.

18. "Ah'd rather keep ye for a week than a fortnight." – when you ate even more than usual.

19. "Nae chance." – when you asked to stay out late on a school night.


20. "Ma faither used to tell me…" – when he delved into his bank of advice.

21. "When you get tae ma age you'll understaun'." – when he didn't want to answer your questions.

22. "It's no aften ah'm wrang, but ah'm right again." – a deeply frustrating version of "I told you so".

23. "Get yer bahookie off ma seat" – when you sat at his place at the table.

24. "Worry gives wee things a big shadow." – when you were upset.

25. "He widnae sell his hen on a wet day." – when someone was clever with his money.

26. "Be good. And if ye cannae be good be careful." – when you were allowed to go to your first club night.

27. "It's OK wi' me if it's OK wi' yer mother." – when he left the decision up to her.

28. "It's like talkin' to a brick wall!" – when you weren't taking anything in.

29. "Och yer a wee stoater!" – when you were in his good books.

30. "Ahm gonnae lose the heid in a minute!" – when you were getting on his last nerve.

31. "Never marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper." – when he decided to give you useful and up-to-date relationship advice.

32. "He couldnae hit a coo in the erse wi' a banjo if he was holdin' in by the tail!" – when his team missed a goal.

33. "Here's yer hat, whaur's yer hurry?" – when it was time to go.

34. "Away and poo flewers." – when you were doing his head in.

35. "He widnae tell ye birds nest." – when someone was being secretive.

36. "Just wait 'til I get you hame!" – when you were in for it.

37. "Help ma boab!" – when he got a shock.

38. "You're at it." – when you tried to wind him up.

39. "When ah was your age…" – when he was giving you a row.

40. "He's into everything but a workin' jaiket." – when he thought someone was a skiver.

41. "Does the pope wear a pointy hat?" – when the answer was yes.