If "The Hunger Games" Films Were Set In Scotland
"Katie would communicate using the Mockingjay call: The first seven notes of 500 Miles."
1. Katie Niss and Wee Peeta would be "brave and hardy" workers from District 12, a.k.a. North Lanarkshire.
2. Katie would blatantly fancy Gale, her childhood best friend and the only guy in Cumbernauld to ever get more than three matches on Tinder.
3. Effoff Trinkett would be allocated as District 12's chaperone and would announce the tributes.
4. "May the bookies be ever in yer favour."
5. Katie would be mad when Effoff announced her wee sister's name.
6. "Och, awrite then, ah'll volunteer."
7. District 12 would be well impressed with Katie and they would do their special salute (a raised middle finger).
8. Their mentor, Hamish, would be a regular at the local Wetherspoon's, The Mockingjay and Tribute...
9. ...and would rarely be seen without a bottle of Buckfast in hand.
10. Katie and Wee Peeta would travel to the Capitol to prepare, which of course would be Edinburgh.
11. Katie would be assigned Cinna as her stylist, a GSA grad who thinks he's the dog's bollocks.
12. He'd make Katie a dress that looked like it was straight out of Cruise.
13. And it would be tartan.
14. The other tributes would find out that despite being wee, carrying crates of steak bakes around at his part time job in Greggs has made Peeta damn strong.
15. During the promotion of the games, Wee Peeta would announce live on Lorraine that he pure fancies the pants off Katie.
16. It would have been the best news to hit Scotland since George Clooney ate in one of their sandwich shops.
17. In the final day before the games, the tributes would present themselves on the trams, and wave on their way down Princes Street.
18. They would eventually reach President Sleet, standing on a plinth outside House of Fraser.
19. The first Games would have taken place in a replica of Scotland's harshest environment: Glasgow during an old firm game.
20. The Career tributes from Castle Douglas and Aberdeen would have been practicing at Xscape every week.
21. But that wouldn't have prepared them for the midge nest dropped on them by Katie.
22. Katie would communicate with her friend Rue using the Mockingjay call: The first seven notes of 500 miles.
23. Katie would be geein' it laldy when she found out there could be two winners.
24. She'd leg it to Wee Peeta, who would have painted himself in Celtic colours to blend in with the background.
25. They'd eventually make it to the end after battling a wave of Kushion bouncers.
26. After being told that only one could win, they'd both threaten to share a leftover, elderly kebab from the bins on Sauchiehall Street.
27. The gamemakers would agree to have two winners to avoid a double poisoning.
28. A few months later, President Sleet would come to visit Katie at her fancy new estate in Newtonmore.
29. To prove to Sleet that their love was real, the two would publish their engagement on the front page of No. 1 Magazine.
30. Followed by a huge ceremony at Edinburgh Castle, where they would be serenaded by Susan Boyle.
31. Katie would be pure ragin' at Sleet when she found out that the Quarter Quell would feature previous victors.
32. When Hamish was announced as the male tribute from 12, Wee Peeta would reluctantly take his place so he didn't look like a plonker.
33. Before the games, Wee Peeta would tell Lorraine that Katie was up the duff, causing outrage in the Capitol.
34. Once in the arena, Katie and Wee Peeta would make allies with Finnfuck and Mags.
35. Before battling the Glesga fog and the mad monkeys straight out of Edinburgh Zoo.
36. They'd defeat the other victors before Katie was well smart and blew up the whole arena, making Sleet go mental.
37. "FFS Katie, gonnae no dae that ye wee shite."
38. After being rescued, Katie and the others would move into District 13, a place nobody thought still existed: Falkirk.
39. She would be greetin' about leaving Wee Peeta behind to be taken by the Capitol.
40. District 13 would be led by Nicola Sturgeon.
41. And she would be hatching a master plan to get another referendum.
42. The third movie would just feature Katie being made to do loads of daft campaign adverts.
43. Rebellion across Scotland would begin after Katie is filmed walking around solemnly while singing "Donald Where's Your Trousers".
44. Katie would realise Sleet was after her when she found loads of grey thistles outside District 13.
45. "Right. You're deid, Sleet."