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53 Thoughts All Scots Have When They First Visit London

"If one more wanker calls me mate, I'm going to smack him."

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1. King's Cross, not too shabby. This definitely shows up Glasgow Central.

2. Can't believe people are queueing up to look at a wall. Platform 9 3/4? They do know it's just a book, right?

3. Right TripAdvisor, inspire me.

4. The London Eye looks a bit shite to me. Not much difference from the Christmas big wheel in Edinburgh.

5. A pop-up bar? Naw, I don't much fancy paying £10 for a cocktail served in a plant pot, thanks.

6. OK, Tower of London it is. Now how on Earth do I get there?

7. Ooh, check me out, I'm going to be a real Londoner and get the tube!

8. Fuck, big mistake, there are even more people down here than there were up there.

9. And why does everyone seem so angry with me?

10. Bloody hell, there are more escalators down here than at Buchanan Galleries.

11. Phew, I just made it. Wait, what if I'm on the wrong tube? There are so many.

12. How is everyone else managing to not fall over?

13. Is it possible to pass out and die of claustrophobia?

14. Why, and more importantly, how are people managing to read their books standing up on here?

15. Holy shit, the train stopped. Guess I'll spend the rest of my life trapped in this airless, hot carriage of hell.

16. Thank god that's over. How do people survive that every day?

17. OK, what's all the fuss about the Tower of London? There isn't even a tower! I want a refund.

18. Come to think of it, a lot of place names are misleading here.

19. Covent Garden? I see no garden. Will the lies never end?

20. OK, time to do a bit of shopping. Harrods here I come.

21. How can so many people fit in one shop? And why are they all walking so bloody slowly?

22. Well played Harrods, Jenners definitely needs to invest in a puppy department and some opera singers. I now expect nothing less.

23. "Luxury Scottish raspberry jam: £7.95." Ahaha. Get tae.

24. Not being able to afford anything has made me work up an appetite. Time to get some food.

25. Why the fuck doesn't London have any cafés other than Pret A Manger and Itsu? They need to be introduced to the delights of Greggs.

26. Well I guess I don't have much of an option. Pret, you'll have to do.

27. Can everyone here please read a manual on queueing ASAP, ya fuds.

28. Finally at the front, yaaaas. Oh shit, I've still got Scottish notes.

29. Act natural, you're not doing anything wrong. It's legal tender.

30. Oh fuck, he's eyeing the notes.

31. No! He's speaking to his manager!

32. Why the hell do I feel so guilty? I've got such a riddy.

33. I'm surprised he didn't call the police.

34. Better get out of here before they change their minds and throw me in Scottish bank note prison.

35. Um, why are grown adults scootering down the street?

36. I guess walking isn't really a thing here.

37. Although being a pedestrian in London is a dangerous game to play. Feels like buses and cars are trying to knock you down.

38. Wow every tourist in the world has gravitated to Westminster. Enough with the selfies guys, it's just a clock.

39. Hmm, although Big Ben would make a nice addition to my Snapchat story.

40. Haud on, am I a tourist?

41. Come to think of it, nobody seems to understand a word I'm saying.

42. And when I tried to speak to a stranger they looked at me like I'd just stripped naked on the tube.

43. I need to head to the pub to reaffirm my non-tourist, totally-from-the-UK status.

44. Er, why are they all called The Red Lion?

45. And why are they all full of Jack Whitehall lookalikes? Is that an entry requirement here?

46. Is there a reason why nobody is making eye contact with me? Do I have something on my face?

47. If one more wanker calls me mate, I'm going to smack him.

48. OK, calm doon, just order something from the lumbersexual barman.

49. What's up with all this craft beer shite? Where's the Deuchars and 80/-?

50. £5 for a pint? How do people survive?

51. No wonder they're all so miserable. It all makes sense now.

52. Ah fuck, I've still only got Scottish notes.

53. Right enough's enough; can't ride that emotional rollercoaster again. I'm away home for a Tennent's.

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