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  • Why You Should Think Twice About Sending That Chain Email: A PSA From Me

    I love getting emails. Except if they are from that one person. You know who I’m talking about. The one person who’s emails are always accompanied by a creepy little animated girl with big eyes telling you how you should pass on the creepy little animated big eyed girl to all the people you care about. To show them how much you care about them and then you will know how many people love you by the sheer volume of people who send you back that creepy little animated big eyed girl. Because nothing says I care more than a creepy little animated big eyed girl.

  • Motherfucking Knuckleheads, Don’t They Know Who I Am?

    I’ve mentioned not long ago how I started this new “gym” thing where they make you do loads of squats of all different types and some of them you do on your hands…HA, funny right? Yeah well my arms are having a hard time typing this out because they did all sorts of arm squats that caused my head to swell with all the blood that started to pool in it until I got back on my feet which then almost made me black out, I know what it means to see stars now. But whats even more disturbing is that since I contracted The Tuberculosis it’s been a week since I actually went to this new “gym” and when I knew I was going the next day I ended up having a dream about it but instead of “Forging Elite Fitness” by squatting. On my hands. I was doing some kind of strange whole body v-fold thing while wearing hot pink spandex, leg warmers and listening to “Do you want to get physical, physical, physical? Let me hear your body talk…” And for some reason I found it all very funny. And sexy.

  • Hellcats:Remeber When

    Breath in and big exhale out. And now I am holding the bridge of my nose the way people do when they are really irritated and are trying to massage that irritation right out of their face. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse here. We know what we want from the Hellcats and it has nothing to do with a meaningful relationship and everything to do with a sexy one night stand. Once a week. Is that too much to ask for?

  • Sorry, Me.

    What would the first task you would embark on if you lived in the woods where it snowed from August 31 until July 15th and suddenly found your self on the beach in Miami smack dab in the middle of your bush growing season? Short of searching out a South American landscaping crew I think you would look for a South American landscaping crew, right? Is anyone tired of my waxing adventures because apparently…. I’M NOT!

  • If There’s A Bull Penis Involved I Am So In!

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all sufficiently recouped from Thanksgiving and moved on to Christmas or Hanukkah or all of the other things that everyone celebrates around these parts. All of us but me. See, I am not ready to face Christmas. I never am until around the 24th but usually when the 24th rolls around you can find me smoking up a storm, nursing a 103 degree fever with a bottle or two of wine, wearing only some curly ribbon, wrapping all the yachts, gold bullion and diamonds that I personally dug for all of my beloved minions.

  • Hellcats: Think Twice Before You Go

    This episode was loaded and I am not just referring to Savannah being loaded and almost getting date raped, but that is something that totally almost happened three quarters of the way through. Way to take a good ole Barbecue hoe down and turn it into an after school drama!

  • Hellcats: Pledging My Love

    This episode almost did it. I almost quit Hellcats. You have to expect that when the opening dance sequence is, well, a dance sequence that you might just be pushing the envelope of acceptable television especially if your not watching Glee. And if you are pushing my envelope you’ve probably goon too far. Lets face it, my standards are pretty low. THANK GOD, it was only a nightmare for Marti. By the way, I’d be pissed if I was Aly Milchalka and they took my character and made her irritating all the while making Heather Hemmens character Alice Verdura way more appealing. Doesn’t verdura mean vegetable or something in Italian? The major focus of this episode is Alice’s sweet peas, I mean cantaloupes, oh wait that’s a fruit. Maybe I’ll just call it her sexy vegetable dip. You see, as well as everyone else on the Lancer campus sees, Alice took pictures of her crudités and sent them to Jakey and somehow someone got a hold of all of the raw naked veggies and sent them out to every one’s email. Anyone else hungry?

  • The Thanks I Get: HER Journey

    About two months ago I tweeted about HER. The cold, heartless, soulless bitch and how she wouldn’t even look at me much less make out with me. When all I was doing was bringing her to a place that could patch up her shame. (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had that kind of haven?) Guiding her to the place where she would be restored so she could reclaim her position of prominence with some dignity and grace. But all I got in return was HER cold shoulder.

  • Hellcats: Finish What We Started

    When we last left the Hellcats, Savannah’s hopes and dreams of a magical deflowering were completely crushed. Crushed by her naivete. Marti told her Dan Patch was a player but what she didn’t tell her was that Dan had been playing in Marti’s secret garden accidentally trying to grow little Patches.

  • Doggie Style: Poop Day Afternoon

    As I sit here on my couch I’m looking around at all of you. All of you who are soundly asleep quietly passing your gas, exhaling your tiny motor boat snores, running after those silly bunnies or twinkies in your dreams and all I can think of is… Y’all stink.

  • Hellcats: Back Of A Car

    Is it hot in here or is just me? *Fans Self* Let me start out with a few of the more *ahem* memorable quotes from this episode. We’ll go have nasty acrobatic sex in positions that you can’t even draw- Alice

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