1. When they have a good ol' ball-scratch in public.
Nope, you're not being subtle.
2. When they think being a bellend will help them get the girl.
3. When you're texting a guy back and forth for days, and suddenly, *poof*.
WHERE DID YOU GO?
4. When they perform the "hover hand".
Don't worry dude, you won't melt/catch cooties/get a boner from touching that woman's shoulder.
Or worse, the DOUBLE HOVER.
5. When they treat their beards like an expensive Persian rug that's attached to their face.
They'll oil it, nurture it, and sing songs to it at night, but at the end of the day it's still pubes on a chin.
6. They'll also do weird shit like this:
"Oooh, look how many flowers/matchsticks/cocktail umbrellas I can fit in my moustache!"
7. And why is it that "macho" men are the main offenders when it comes to over-grooming?
8. Or polluting the air with excessive amounts of cologne?
9. Guy logic: It's totally appropriate to announce one's impending bowel movement.
10. And they'll spend the rest of the afternoon in the bathroom with an iPad, a book, and and a couple of beers.
11. Followed by a complete debrief of the event.
12. It's also baffling why groups of guy friends interact like this...
13. The more they pick on each other the more they show they care.
If a girl pulled her friend's skirt down while she was talking to a cute guy, they would never be friends again. Ever.
14. When they haven't seen their mate for months, what's the first thing they talk about? PRETEND FOOTBALL LEAGUES.
15. When guys have an inexplicable habit of treating women's nipples like doorknobs.
You're not opening any doors if you carry on like that.
16. When guys are brimming with pride because they've managed to swing their willy round like a helicopter.
Or they bunch their junk together, put on a silly voice and say, "Look, it's Nelly the elephant!"
Then five minutes later they expect you to look at their genitals and feel sexually aroused.
17. When guys spend hours in the shower getting clean then use a towel that hasn't seen a washing machine in ten years.
18. When they don't shed a single tear over proper heart-wrenching stuff like this...
But unleash the waterworks when their team gets relegated.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!"