1. Eden Dranger @Eden_Eats Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it. 11:16 PM - 28 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Ice Huck @IceHuck Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill. 02:06 PM - 17 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Kent Graham @KentWGraham I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house. 01:03 AM - 21 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite Via <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.</p>— Kent Graham (@KentWGrah 4. Lee O. Valentin @leeovalentin My therapist is right, you need help. 04:02 PM - 29 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Paddy O'Furniture @redherringbear Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures. 11:54 PM - 28 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. juicymorsel @juicymorsel When it comes to a war of wills, I'm no match for the last cookie. 12:28 AM - 31 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Ham on Wry @realHamOnWry The first bee is always the calm before the swarm. 02:53 AM - 31 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Woody @WoodyLuvsCoffee The mansion in this real estate ad has a great room, a panic room, & an office. My house does too but I just call it the bathroom. 11:17 PM - 19 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Howard Mittelmark @HMittelmark Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled. 04:58 PM - 21 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. OneFunnyMummy @OneFunnyMummy Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them. 10:22 PM - 06 Oct 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Kent Graham @KentWGraham TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump. 09:44 AM - 20 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Tony @Tmoney68 When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing. 08:11 PM - 22 Apr 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Just Bill @WilliamAder A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is I like to cuddle as I fall asleep. 05:29 PM - 20 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Mike Primavera @primawesome I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores. 03:13 AM - 26 Jan 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Sarcasticsapien @Sarcasticsapien Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested. 05:58 PM - 18 Jan 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Megan Amram @meganamram My favorite book is the dictionary because it has all the other books in it 08:38 PM - 18 Jan 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Just Bill @WilliamAder I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife! 01:58 PM - 14 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Ant Simpson @antsimpson my cab driver's fighting with his girlfriend on speakerphone as if I don't exist which is apparently how she's been feeling 03:54 PM - 11 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Sentient Atoms @MichaelGoffLA Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down? 01:35 PM - 05 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Shawn @CakeThrottle My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA 09:12 PM - 27 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight... 10:48 PM - 09 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Dan Duvall @lazerdoov Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog 06:41 PM - 06 Dec 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Shari VanderWerf @shariv67 An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair. 12:25 AM - 02 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Noah Kinsey @thenoahkinsey The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard. 03:45 PM - 10 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite Did you know you can sign up for a BuzzFeed Community account and create your own BuzzFeed posts? Get started here!