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THE FIVE MOST POPULAR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS IN THE UNITED STATES, ACCORDING TO SCIENTISTS

Ahh, 2017! The year millions of Americans try to complete their resolutions in the first two weeks of January but then give up and just eat an ice cream sandwich every day at the same time for the rest of the year . . . again! However, this year might be different. Scientists went outside of their labs for the first time in 50 years to figure out which 2017 resolutions were most frequently written down by the people of the United States! Here are the top five:

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1. Lose That Chub!

Everybody wants to #LoseThatChub! Since the beginning of humans, we have made resolutions to “lose 50 pounds” or “raise enough money to suck all of the fat out of my body.” There’s hieroglyphics about it, bible verses about it, and even ancient trending hashtags thought to be written by aliens. Regardless of who you are, you are among the tens of millions of Americans who want to lose that chub in 2017!

2. Take Up a New Hobby, Like Yoga or Creating Your Own Netflix Original Show About a Reality Television Show For Kids

New year, new you! Time to quit all of your hobbies from 2016 and pick up a new one! Try picking up yoga, hiking, or even creating your own Netflix original show about a reality television show for kids. Remember when Cheryl picked up candle collecting? Or when Dave tried cooking? Hobbies are plenty and all over! Our scientists found that more than five million people want to “take up yoga or create my own Netflix original show about a reality television show for kids” in 2017!

3. Fix the Thermostat at City Hall

It’s always 65 degrees at the City Hall on Constitution Street. Sure, someone could complain, but the next day Barbara has already set the temperature back down to how she likes it. The other workers are scared of her and already made a Change.org petition about it that Obama ignored. It’s getting to be a bit much. More than two million Americans have vowed to fix the thermostat at City Hall on Constitution Street in 2017!

4. Boycott TGI Fridays

What’s up with TGI Fridays?? Talk about problematic! A social media campaign has sparked and people are making their voices heard from behind a screen! NO. MORE. TGI FRIDAYS! If you go to TGI Fridays in 2017, you are going to piss off more than 750,000 people! We’re talking getting things yelled at you by the picketers outside of each of the 992 TGI Fridays in the country. We’re talking being publicly shamed online and in your own bedroom (they’ll find a way in). We’re talking tons of people unfriending you on Facebook. You might want to cut out this problematic restaurant in 2017!

5. Make Nascar Gay

NASCAR! The sport for men! Or is it??? There are more than 525,600 people dedicated to making NASCAR the sport of the gays in 2017! Vroom vroom? Yassss, hunty! Flipping a sports car over? Werkkk! Getting falling-down drunk and screaming for two straight hours in the stands while your family members cover their faces so they can't be seen with you? SLAY!!!!! Watch out, boys, because NASCAR is no longer a sport for your uncle Terry – the gays have taken over! Make NASCAR gay in 2017!

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