There's a never ending list of Drake lyrics titled "POSSIBLE INSTAGRAM CAPTIONS?!?" tucked away inside of my Notes appI stayed up all night long studying the festival map, and I now know the exact latitude and longitude of where the sun shines the brightest for optimal selfie lightingThere is a feathered headdress somewhere in my proximityI've entertained the thought of asking Vanessa Hudgens for a selfie, even though I'm like, "I could definitely find somebody more famous, but if I'm desperate, she'll do"I posted a picture of my VIP wristband on InstagramI plan on checking into the VIP area on FacebookIf the opportunity to go backstage to meet Kendall Jenner or Tyler, The Creator arises, I will abandon my friends and do so, because fuck it — I need those Instagram likes!I plan on going "live" on a social media platform at some point over the weekendI've been talking about "vibes" and how the moon's cycle will affect my weekend mood for the past three weeks~ * ~ VIBES ~ * ~I'm friends with a DJ playing the 1-2PM slot in the Yuma tent, and honestly, it's gotten to my head a little bitI'm going to wear an In-N-Out t-shirt because I am Cali AF (even though I'm from a small town on the East Coast and this is my first time in California)I have multiple phone cases packed, each one corresponding to a different outfitOne of my tops has fringes hanging off of it that are long enough to trip and kill somebody walking past meA man bun with a feather sticking out of it is currently resting atop my head in all its gloryI am making the conscious decision to live inside of a pitched tent at a music festival for three daysI hope to catch Marshmello's setI'll be rockin' a bindi on my forehead because it's chill and trendyI'm making the nicest, most innocent friend with the best career in the friend group and the most to lose hold the group's drugs inside of their sockHonestly, I'm probably going to forget to apply deodorant at some pointI didn't pack any shirts because this is my one weekend to show off my abs, arms, and pectoral muscles that I spend most of my waking life working on at my expensive gymNO, I WILL NOT TAKE MY SUNGLASSES OFF BECAUSE IT'S NIGHTTIME! I'M RAGING TO NICOLAS JAAR, YA DICK.I have a kid, and yes, I am dragging them to Coachella, because it is essential that they hear Kendrick Lamar's new album on a quality sound system~ * ~ The universe brought me to Coachella because it was meant to be that I live, laughed, and loved right here in this moment in time ~ * ~!! xx * ~ * MoON ChiLd VibEz * ~ * xx !!I work in music, a client I represent is performing, and you will know this because I will tell you at any lull in the conversation which provides me with this opportunityYes, I will use the Snapchat flower crown filter on top of my actual flower crown that is on my actual headI love music. I am here only for music. Music is my life. My iPod? Full of music. Everybody needs to know I love music. Now please tell me which stage Chet Faker is performing at.Wait, am I at a thrift shop's "EVERYTHING MUST GO IMMEDIATELY" lawn sale?I know it's 89 degrees and I'm in the desert, but my black leather jacket is not coming off of meMY HOROSCOPE SAID THIS WOULD BE THE WEEKEND I MEET MY MATCH!I am PRO music festival marriage proposals. They're not cheesy whatsoever.Kale juice, ginger, activated charcoal, DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS, ginger, ginger, more ginger, repeatI don't always apply hand sanitizer after using the porta-pottySure, I'd pick my nose in the crowd and flick the booger on a fashion blogger's new Gucci shirt, I don't give a rat's assI'm a fashion bloggerI brought a personal stylist and photographer to Coachella with meI am Jaden SmithI only drink refrigerated boxed coconut water with a pH of 10.4I hope to befriend Adriana Lima's moisturized, bronzed left boobI will sit on someone's shoulders during the show and obstruct the view of others who paid money to be thereI will get separated from my friend group. I will then text them to come to [X] location. I will then move from that location and lose phone service, causing chaos within the group. I will never find my friends again.There is a braid in my hair and it's pulling on my scalp and I'm suffering but beauty is painI'm a groupie and I'm not ashamedI am wearing a fedoraI am for sure going to lose my wallet, and if not the whole thing, all of my cashI throw things like banana peels and water bottles at the musician on stage if I don't like the song they're performingI was paid to attend Coachella by a sponsorI CROWD SURF BECAUSE YEAH, OF COURSE A GROUP OF TIRED, DEHYDRATED STRANGERS WANT TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF MY LIFELESS BODY. YUP!Why did I even come here?I miss my parents
How Annoying Are You Going To Be At Coachella?
You are tolerable and flawed and functioning, just like the rest of us. We're not perfect. Odds are that your friends will actually enjoy going to Coachella with you, and it'll be a positive experience. Good job. I am proud of you.
You are the tolerable friend in the Coachella squad. Your friends have to look after you, and you are somewhat of a pest. But at the same time, you're fun, know how to have a good time, and there are many people there who are worse than you, so congrats on that. PLEASE REMEMBER: DO NOT CHECK INTO THE VIP AREA!
Don't even go to the festival. If you're already there, go home, or go back to your tent. It's time to reconsider your life choices, evaluate how you got to where you are, and mend the relationships with those you've lost due to your behavior.