1. If you’re a millennial with a pulse, you remember this v. famous scene from Zoolander.
And you know that the Derek Zoolander Center is at its best when people can actually fit inside the building.
2. So in honor of Zoolander 2 gracing us with its presence this weekend…
3. A real Derek Zoolander Center was erected in New York City (!!!). Here I am about to go inside, so excited I probz should’ve been wearing an adult diaper.
The skin care brand Kiehl’s partnered with the movie to build the Derek Zoolander Center For People Who Don’t Age Good. Because being really, really, ridiculously good looking sometimes takes work.
4. Right when you walk in, you see a message from the Father of Blue Steel Himself.
The entire center is set up to help “youth-ify” people with creams and things.
5. You’re greeted by these beefcake male models who literally have glitter all over their skin.
6. They’re really nailing the “Derek in the Mines” look.
7. Then I really started to break out in nervous hives because these beautiful dudes — MEN WHO ARE SO HOT THAT SOMEHOW THEY’RE WEARING BAGGY HAZMAT SUITS AND MY OVARIES STILL HURT???? — start pampering you with lotion and stuff.
Hi this lotion made my hand feel like it had just popped out of my mother’s uterus. (Sorry, Mom.)
9. Once I was done embarrassing myself over there, the models each grabbed one of my hands and escorted me to the next part of the center.
To these men: I am sorry my hands were slippery. Your friends in the hazmat suits just rubbed lotion all over my fingers and also you’re hot so my palms were sweaty. SUE ME.
10. Then, I really started feeling the pressure. I had to walk down a runway, MAGNUM style.
11. Lucky for me, my fingers were doing the walking. Finger modeling is way more fun than regular full-body modeling because I never had to worry about how big my ass looked in blue spandex pants.
A note for hand model agents: You can email me for opportunities and I’ll give you the standard 15% cut.
12. So then I got down off the runway and ***LADY BONER ALERT*** this male model started giving me the best damn hand massage I’ve ever had.
I could barely bring myself to make contact with this beautiful AF green eyes. Model, if you’re reading this, I think we would make beautiful babies together.
13. Next was the ~relaxation~ room, where a man who looked like his name should be Sven took me on a meditation journey.
He gave me an oxygen tube and cooed about the Himalayans. I wanted to change my name to Sparrow and move to the mountains with him.
14. For some reason I decided I wanted his head tie????
15. And then we did our best Blue Steel. Sven definitely won.
16. The last station at the Derek Zoolander Center is a photo booth, so the models piled in (one even got on my lap) to take pictures with me.
I may look like I’m smiling, but inside I was hoping they’d ask me to get orange mocha frappuccinos after this.
17. Okay, I guess it didn’t come out too badly? IDK.
18. Am I a model now?
19. If you’re in New York City, you can go to the Derek Zoolander Center For People Who Don’t Age Good through Saturday, February 13.
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