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I Went To The IRL Derek Zoolander Center And It Was Ridiculously Cool

It's for people who want to learn how to do stuff good.

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If you're a millennial with a pulse, you remember this v. famous scene from Zoolander.

Paramount Pictures

And you know that the Derek Zoolander Center is at its best when people can actually fit inside the building.

A real Derek Zoolander Center was erected in New York City (!!!). Here I am about to go inside, so excited I probz should've been wearing an adult diaper.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

The skin care brand Kiehl's partnered with the movie to build the Derek Zoolander Center For People Who Don't Age Good. Because being really, really, ridiculously good looking sometimes takes work.

Then I really started to break out in nervous hives because these beautiful dudes — MEN WHO ARE SO HOT THAT SOMEHOW THEY'RE WEARING BAGGY HAZMAT SUITS AND MY OVARIES STILL HURT???? — start pampering you with lotion and stuff.

Kiehl's

Hi this lotion made my hand feel like it had just popped out of my mother's uterus. (Sorry, Mom.)

Here I am having my hands caressed and my face sprayed, all in the name of Zoolander ~youth-ificiation.~

This is my best Hello-I-am-trying-to-flirt-with-you-but-you're-spraying-my-face-with-mist-and-it's-impossible-to-look-cute face.

Once I was done embarrassing myself over there, the models each grabbed one of my hands and escorted me to the next part of the center.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

To these men: I am sorry my hands were slippery. Your friends in the hazmat suits just rubbed lotion all over my fingers and also you're hot so my palms were sweaty. SUE ME.

Lucky for me, my fingers were doing the walking. Finger modeling is way more fun than regular full-body modeling because I never had to worry about how big my ass looked in blue spandex pants.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

A note for hand model agents: You can email me for opportunities and I'll give you the standard 15% cut.

So then I got down off the runway and ***LADY BONER ALERT*** this male model started giving me the best damn hand massage I've ever had.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

I could barely bring myself to make contact with this beautiful AF green eyes. Model, if you're reading this, I think we would make beautiful babies together.

Next was the ~relaxation~ room, where a man who looked like his name should be Sven took me on a meditation journey.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

He gave me an oxygen tube and cooed about the Himalayans. I wanted to change my name to Sparrow and move to the mountains with him.

The last station at the Derek Zoolander Center is a photo booth, so the models piled in (one even got on my lap) to take pictures with me.

Lauren Zaser / Via BuzzFeed

I may look like I'm smiling, but inside I was hoping they'd ask me to get orange mocha frappuccinos after this.

If you're in New York City, you can go to the Derek Zoolander Center For People Who Don't Age Good through Saturday, February 13.

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