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16 Barista Horror Stories That'll Make You Say, "Literally, Why"

These stories are soy unbelievable.

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1. The underwear ditcher:

"Once, I had a lady come up to me during our busiest time to tell me there had been a 'situation' in one of the bathrooms. Turns out the situation was that she crapped herself, put her dirty underwear in our trash can, and left other unmentionables all over the floor and wall. Nice."


2. This "plumber":

"A woman came in and ordered an iced latte, and then went to the restroom. For about 25 or 30 minutes, we keep hearing clanking and heavy scraping sounds from inside the bathroom. Finally, she BOOKS IT out of the shop. She had literally taken our entire toilet apart. The tank was deconstructed, components were all over the floor, and the bolts at the base were undone. Guess what our plumber found in the piping? The woman's anal beads. She'd dropped them into the toilet and tried to get them back."



3. The one who got poop on the walls:

"One day I was cleaning the bathrooms and a little girl asked if she could use the one that I was not currently cleaning. All I could hear were thuds and booms coming from the one that she was using. After about 10 minutes, she came up to me with a handful of paper towels. She held them up to my face and asked, 'Do you have a trash that I can put these in?' The paper towels were full of diarrhea! I proceeded to look behind her and there was poo smeared on my cleaned wall, toilet seat, and everywhere else. I tied gauze around my face and went to go clean it up. Worst day of my life."


4. The petty theft:

"I saw a nice person put a $5 bill in my tip jar. I got super excited about getting a large cash tip that night. I saw another person in line stick their hand in the tip jar. I innocently assumed they were putting money deep into the can so it didn't stick out. I was super disappointed at night when I realized the asshole stole my $5."


5. This penny pincher:

"On my third day working at a coffee shop, a guy came in asking for a bottled coffee drink.

Me: "We don't have that, but a mocha would be pretty similar, do you want to try that?"

Him: "Sure, I'll have the biggest size."

Me: "Great, that will be $5.97."

Him: *pulls out several fist fulls of change from his pockets (mostly pennies)* "I don't know how much is there but you can count it."

Me: *Dies inside and counts change for 10 minutes while line forms* "Great, I just need 11 cents from you!"

Him: "Oh, actually can I add a panini?" *pulls out a 20 dollar bill*

I have never been so frustrated."



6. This bubble hater:

"I had a lady throw her extra hot, no-foam latte in my face because there was a singular milk bubble in her cup. It hurt like a bitch, but it was satisfying to watch the TSA agents tackle her for assaulting an airport employee. I ended up in the hospital."


7. These shit steps:

"A customer informed me that someone had crapped all over the bathroom. I blocked the bathroom with numerous tables and chairs, turned out the lights, and even put up a sign saying it was out of order. Someone not only ignored the warnings but walked in and used the bathroom, got shit all over their shoes and proceeded to walk throughout the shop, leaving a trail of shit steps. They then yelled at me at how disgusted they were at the bathroom. After I left work, I still saw her footprints of shit on the sidewalk all the way up the street."

Jillian Bader, Facebook

8. The free shoes:

"A woman began screaming at us because her daughter had spilled her drink on her own shoes. She didn't want another drink. She demanded that we give her $200 to replace the shoes. She sincerely believed that it was our fault."



9. This preggo lady who just wanted a damn muffin:

"A lady who was very pregnant ordered two iced coffees and a pumpkin muffin. Because of the rush, we had run out of the muffins and I apologized profusely to her. This full-grown woman literally laid down on the counter and started crying as her husband started screaming at me that he was going to call corporate and report me because this was the third time we had been out of pumpkin muffins. With one final 'Go to hell,' he assisted his wife out of the restaurant."


10. The free WiFi moocher:

"One day, a customer was watching porn in the lobby with no headphones with the volume at full blast."


11. The weekly whipped cream visit:

"We had a group of teenagers come in frequently and all they would order were waters and short cups of whipped cream. Then they would sit in our lobby and lick the whipped cream off of each other."



12. The loose doggo:

"One afternoon, we were hit with an inspection. Our boss took the inspector on a tour of the store and, as soon as they got up to the second story, a little pug came tearing down our coffee line. Somebody got a broom and somebody else started waving around a trash bag. After awhile, a girl came in and said, 'It's okay, he's just hot.' She scooped him up and left the instant the inspector came back down the stairs. I was in the middle of the room with a dustpan and no broom and somebody else had an inflated trash bag nowhere near a trash can. Our boss muttered, 'What the hell, you guys?'"


13. This heimlich assault:

"A man carrying a toddler came into the store and got himself a coffee and an apple for the small boy. The child started choking on the piece of apple. The man was useless. He was just sitting there and yelling at this poor kid to hack it out. I ran over, scooped up the child, and did the Heimlich on him, making the kid shoot the piece of apple out. The man then proceeded to scream at me for 'touching the kid and hurting him.' He tried to complain to my manager for 'assaulting' his grandson."


14. The one with Bill Nye The Caffeine Guy:

"It was 3:30 in the morning when my manager called to let me know that all four people scheduled at my store had called out and I was on my own. By 4 a.m. there was a line waiting that was 40 people deep. Around 7 a.m., I looked up and Bill Nye was standing at my register. I was starstruck! I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have (because of Bill), and I slipped and fell flat on my back on the nasty floor and hit my head on the way down. It sucked. I had to work until 3 p.m. covered in soap while I was bleeding from the head."



15. This steaming hottie:

"I had a regular who wanted his misto at like 200 degrees, but only said that he wanted it extra hot. One morning, another barista made his misto. He came back yelling about how it wasn't hot enough. Then he poured his coffee over his arm to prove his point and left a puddle of coffee."


16. The Mac 'N Cheese Disaster:

"A 10-year-old boy ran in and desperately asked to go to the bathroom. Someone was in the men's one, so I told him to use the girls'. He stared at me, burped, and proceeded to projectile vomit right in front of me. Twice. Worst of all, the vomit was bright orange and yellow because he had just eaten mac and cheese. The pasta wasn't even digested so when I was mopping it up, it kept getting stuck in the strands instead of going through the filter in the mop bucket."


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Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.