18 Pregnancy-Sex Moments That'll Totally Make You Cringe
It's all fun and games until someone blows chunks.
1. Barfing on your partner while performing oral sex — or immediately before, just at the thought of it. That pregnancy gag reflex is a total bitch and she's taking names.
2. Being a level-three horny sex beast with an insatiable appetite, and taking it however you can get it. You might even growl a little.
3. The awkwardness of trying to find a position that actually fucking works. That big belly might be beautiful and all, but it sure is inconvenient right now.
4. Then resigning to switch your trusty Snoogle from comfort pillow to sex pillow like, "You've been promoted, congrats!"
5. And then that slight twinge of irrational terror that your partner will hurt the baby. Because, you know, he's totally hung like a racehorse (or at least that's what he tells you).
6. Deliciously colorful, vivid AF fantasies about total randos. Your ex, your old-ass neighbor, that crusty guy who sells bootleg DVDs at the car wash — no one is off limits and everyone gets you hot.
7. Using these fantasies in a little, well, "me time." And masturbating in ways that are more creative than ever before because you gotta get it done.
8. Or on the other hand, total and complete lack of libido. When your partner is desperate to smash and you're just like, "Don't fucking touch me, Housewives is on."
9. Peeing during sex. Yep, total opening of your vaginal floodgates at the most awkward time ever. If you're lucky, someone will get turned on. If not, oopsie.
10. Or being as dry as the Sahara down there. Don't fret, you can always lube it up.
11. That is, if you don't fall asleep first. Seriously, no amount of thrusting can compete with the exhaustion of BUILDING A GODDAMN HUMAN INSIDE. Give yourself a break — when you wake up, that is.
12. Crying inconsolably because you're just so emotional all the time.
13. Telling your partner in all fucking seriousness not to blow in your vagina and realizing how hilariously weird that sounds.
14. Farting like a beast. And not cute little dainty farts — over-the-loudspeaker, motor-running, "What did you eat?" Final Jeopardy farts. If he can keep it up after this, he's definitely a keeper.
14. Bleeding or spotting a little during or after and totally freaking out.
15. Milk leaking from your breasts onto your partner like a faulty roof.
16. Or your breasts being so swollen and sore that you can't stand for them to be touched, looked at, thought about — seriously, the pain is that real.
17. Feeling your baby kick during sex due to all the extra excitement. Don't worry, for all the baby knows, you're doing Tae Bo.
18. And those earth-shattering, whole house-rumbling, Bella and Edward vampire-strength orgasms that are so damn good you forget about all the rest.