1.
When you get married, everyone tells you “Don’t go to bed mad” but nobody tells you “don’t start an argument at 10:30 pm”
2.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.
3.
[12 pm] Me: We need to leave at 5. [4pm] Me: We need to leave in an hour. [4:30pm] Me: We need to leave in 30 minutes. [4:55pm] Me: We need to leave in 5 minutes. Husband: So, I don’t have time to cut the grass?
4.
Probably the worst thing to mention when you are in a fight with your wife is the video game you have paused in the other room.
5.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night. Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?” Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
6.
[signing divorce papers] Him: I’m sorry you no longer want to be *Borat voice* MY WIFE Her: This. This is why.
7.
My husband doesn’t always cook dinner, but when he does he leaves every cupboard open, 800 dishes in the sink, and a layer of crumbs on the kitchen floor an inch thick.
8.
My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.
9.
Got in my car this morning & was surprised to find my husband had filled my gas tank & had gotten it washed. Act of kindness or guilty of something? Marriage is hard.
10.
Wife: Did you watch our show without me?! Me: No. I can explain. Wife: Me: We have a ghost.
11.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
12.
Losing my wife 3 times in the grocery store and having her paged by customer service each time is why I get to stay home while she shops now
13.
*My husband is having a coughing fit* Me: Please don’t die. I can’t reach the high shelves. Him: We have steps tools. Me: Good point. Carry on.
14.
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.
15.
Me: Do you like these jeans or the ones I had on earlier? Husband: The ones you’re wearing now look great. Me: So the other ones made me look fat? Husband: That’s not what I said. Me: Isn’t it though?
16.
Me and my wife tried degradation in bed and she brought up my hourly wage so I told her to untie me.
17.
Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting ‘what did you say?!’ from another room
18.
My husband just strung together the most nonsensical combination of curse words while screaming at football on the tv and instead of pointing out that none of those words go together I just nodded and said, “That’s what I’m talking about” and that’s how you make marriage work.
19.
I kind of wish my spouse would get a side piece but only for talking endlessly about our home security system.
20.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there. My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.” I preheated the oven to make dinner. We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
21.
HUSBAND: What would you do if you had to choose between me or your phone? ME: I'm sorry, did you say something?