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Married People Are Revealing The Things They Didn't Find Out About Their Spouses Until After Marrying Them, And Y'all, "Doozy" Ain't Even The Word

"That she was terrified to poop in toilets and would get up in the middle of the night to poop in a dustpan."

We recently shared a Reddit thread asking people to reveal the things they didn't find out about their spouses until after marriage, and it was hilarious, random, and intense:

Paramount

Well, we rounded up more of the hilarious and intense comments from this thread — along with some new comments from similar posts we've done (find them here, here, and here) — and these have me like, "WHOA, my god!"

1. "I didn't know my husband wore upper dentures until four years after we were married! One day, I just thought about how he never bites into an apple or that he never closes the door while using the toilet but always does when he brushes his teeth. So I peeked through the crevice and saw him remove it. Blew my mind!"

NBC

2. "I learned that she had a severe clown fetish, and she secretly enrolled in clown college to have affairs with clowns-in-training!"

"I discovered she was spending hours cybering with guys on clown forums, that she bought clown lingerie, and that she was even planning a trip to Nashville to see a Ringling Bros. clown she was having an affair with perform. She refused to take me, so the night before her trip, I told her I knew everything. She responded that she didn't love me anymore and that she planned to run away with him, join the circus, and become a famous clown on the Ringling train! We split up, she moved in with the clown, they eventually broke up, and years later, she does amateur webcam porn to make ends meet."

u/Sempais_nutrients

3. "This guy I almost dated liked to blow-dry himself while he sat on the toilet in the morning because he said he was cold. I stopped staying at his place shortly after discovering that."

—Kat Sullivan, Facebook

4. "That she was a sex worker for a few years, up until about 18 months before we met."

u/idonotknowwhattodo2

5. "My best friend learned that his ex-wife was terrified of pooping in toilets. He didn't find out until one day when he was cleaning the yard and found her hidden pile of 'brown gold' under a bush. He asked her about it, and she broke down and confessed that she would get up in the middle of the night, shit into a dustpan, then dump it in their yard."

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6. "That my boyfriend uses a fork to eat ice cream."

—Samantha Thomas, Facebook

7. "I learned that my husband is a sleep groper. I've woken up to his hand down the back of my pajamas, giving me a couple of butt squeezes, in his sleep."

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8. "I learned that my boyfriend eats the lemon slices you get with your water at restaurants. Not too weird until you learn that he eats them rind and all! I stared at him in shock and horror the first time he popped one in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed like it was a piece of candy!"

—Sara Dotson, Facebook

9. "I learned that my ex-husband thought you only take the Pill when you're going to have sex. I never laughed so hard."

cajunjellybean

10. "I discovered that my partner can drink 3 GALLONS of milk in a week!"

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—Tabitha Darlene Silva, Facebook

11. "I learned that my husband of five years — and partner of 17 years — didn’t know how lettuce grew. He thought it grew on a vine."

—Samanthai6, Facebook

12. "I discovered that my husband takes a minimum of six showers a day. They're just like two minutes long each, but holy crap!"

—Torrie Rose Twist, Facebook


13. "I learned that my husband is severely lactose intolerant. That man's ass explodes on a daily basis. He didn't even know poop was supposed to be solid!"

u/[deleted user]

14. "That my husband pronounces Joaquin Phoenix as 'Jack-win.' It almost divorced us."

—Megan Patterson, Facebook

15. "I found out he eats oatmeal without heating it up. Who just puts water into instant oatmeal and eats it like that? So weird."

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—Shandy Marie Hofmeister, Facebook

16. "I learned that my boyfriend says the weirdest things when he's half asleep in bed. One night, in a very deep, loud voice, he said, 'I'LL GIVE YOU MY KIDNEYS.' Makes me laugh every time."

quinni_binni

17. "He gargles his drinks before swallowing — water, Gatorade, coffee, it doesn't matter. I know it all ends up in your stomach anyway, but uuuuugh."

—Melissa Bejar, Facebook

18. "I learned that my husband puts cinnamon on scrambled eggs. He’s a good man, but I will never understand this."

—Shelby Bloom, Facebook

19. "That my husband drinks the tuna water instead of draining it."

—Stephanie AF Bredeson, Facebook

20. "My mom said that my dad used to sleepwalk and turn on every light in the house. She would then find him at the top of the stairs sitting on the landing, admiring his work. When she tried to coax him back to bed, he would get huffy and say something like, 'I can't, she's coming with the menus!'"

E! Entertainment Television

21. "I learned that my husband says 'HUT dog,' not 'HOT dog.' It drives me CRAZY!"

—Marika Gatta, Facebook

22. "I discovered that my husband cannot burp. It's the weirdest thing. When he attempts to burp, it sounds like he's throwing up!"

—Kristy Petrycki, Facebook

23. "I discovered that my husband randomly kicks his legs like he's swimming when he's asleep."

nurseyneesej

24. "During the quarantine, I learned my husband has a secret talent as a hairdresser. He's given both our kids and our brother-in-law amazing haircuts with full fades and the works! Apparently he can even do a better dye job than any girlfriend I've ever had. We all look bloody fabulous, and I am never paying to go to the salon again!"

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—Jessika Muir, Facebook

25. "I found out he calls a drinking fountain a 'bubbler.'"

—Shandy Marie Hofmeister, Facebook

26. "I didn't know until after eight years of marriage, 12 years together, and two kids that my husband is a huge fan of Fiddler on the Roof! He watches it at least once a year and has all the lyrics memorized!"

snadia

And lastly...

27. "We’ve lived together for eight years, so I’ve seen a lot, but I was really upset when I recently found out he uses my face moisturizer to masturbate with. WTF?! I use that on my face, and it’s expensive! So I let him use my Moroccan oil hand lotion instead."

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—Sara Louise Camp, Facebook

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.