1. "My mom teaches third grade, and when she asked one of her students to describe the differences between the life cycles of frogs and butterflies, the student answered, 'One gets laid in the water, and one gets laid on land."
2. "One of my students asked me if people really eat placenta. When I said yes, he replied, 'Wait, WHAT?! Like, with ketchup?!'"
3. "I was teaching first grade, and I had a student come in at 7 a.m. already looking defeated. I asked her what was wrong, and she said, 'My brother had to memorize the Gettysburg Address for homework last night. I could never memorize the Gettysburg address — I don't even know my own address!'"
4. "One of my prekindergartners was squirming as we lined up for lunch. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom, and he said no but kept squirming. So I asked if he was sure, and he said, 'I'm OK — it's just that my penis is so big.' He had an erection."
5. "On Fridays, preschoolers and kindergartners get their faces painted in the afternoon. Most kids want to be dinosaurs, fairies, or unicorns. One little girl asked to be God."
6. "One of my students was hugging me goodbye when they took a deep inhale, smiled up at me lovingly, and said, 'Your shirt smells like a grandma, but your armpits smell like Chuck E. Cheese.'"
7. "I was teaching a lesson on whales in my high school science class and had just mentioned the sperm whale when a girl asked, 'Is that why the ocean is so salty?'"
8. "Once, when I worked as a lunch lady, one of my favorite kindergartners was getting ready to run out for recess when I stopped her and said, 'Hannah, you should wash your face before you go out — there's spaghetti sauce all over it.' She took off anyway, screaming, 'IT'S MY WAR PAINT!'"
9. "Once, one of my students was talking about two classmates who were dating, and said, 'Egh — they keep breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together! They're like Pringles and strawberries!"
10. "Once, my first-grader asked me, 'Ms. B, did you get a hand job?' I replied, 'Did I get a WHAT?' And she said, 'You know, did you go to the nail salon?' Yes, I did — thank you for noticing."
11. "One of my students was looking at a picture of Mr. Tumnus from The Chronicles of Narnia movie when he said, 'Ooooh, he is one sexy goat indeed!'"
12. "I teach elementary band, and once, we were preparing for a playing test when one student said, 'Man, I need to practice.' Without missing a beat, the kid next to him said, 'My mom says I need Jesus.'"
13. "One of my seventh-graders asked me where babies come from, and another student replied, 'Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much...they get a bottle of scotch and a cheap motel room.'"
14. "I wore a Captain America shirt to school for Super Hero Day, and one of my students said I looked like Captain America before the injections."
15. "My seventh-grade students knew I was single, and they were trying to set me up with my male colleagues. One of them pointed to a history teacher and asked, 'What about him?' I told her that he was taken already..."
"She asked if he was married. 'No,' I said, 'he has a girlfriend.' And she replied, 'Ooh, no problem — that's easier to get rid of than a wife.'"
16. "I work with 2-year-olds, and one day a kid was kicking another kid under the table. The first kid asked him to stop, but the second kid kept kicking him, so finally the first kid said, 'Stop, motherfucker!' My co-teacher and I died trying not to laugh."
17. "Once, one of my students gave me this advice: 'If you want men to like you, you gotta drink champagne!'"
18. "I'm a band teacher, and one day I gave my students blank sheet music for them to start mapping out some basic compositions. The paper had no notes or symbols..."
"Well, one of my students received his sheet music, thinking it was a new song we'd learn, saw that it was blank, and asked, 'Wow — budget cuts must've hit us hard, huh?'"
19. "I asked my fourth-graders to name some of the things that come from farms, and one of my students said, 'Hamburgers.' So I said, 'Sort of. If we take a hamburger apart, what do we get from a farm?' He replied, 'Hamburgers come from hamburger farms, miss. I read about it online.'"
20. "One of my favorite prekindergartners was arguing with me, saying that his birthday was in January, not June, as it was listed on all of his school documents. When his mom came to pick him up, I asked her to confirm his birthday and told her that he said it was in January."
"She looked at him and said, 'No, you were born in June.' Her son just nodded his head quietly. Well, the next day, he approached me and said, 'My mom was wrong about my birthday. It is in January. I didn't say anything because I really love her and didn't want her to feel bad about being wrong.' When she came to pick him up that day, I told her she HAS to bring this up at his wedding!"
21. "I overheard one of my students complaining about how annoying glass ketchup bottles are to open. Another kid, in all seriousness, replied, 'Yeah, cause you gotta have finesse, bro.'"
22. "One of my sweet little kindergartners sometimes exhibited some challenging behaviors. Well, one day, when he was too hands-on with another child, I had to reprimand him. And in response, he stomped his foot and said, 'Miss Jenn, when you're mean to me, that is some BULLSHIT!'"
23. "One of my first-graders insisted that at his dentist appointment, the dentist put cavities in his teeth."
24. "A teacher friend told me that one day, she asked a kid why he hadn't done his math homework. He said that he had his braces removed and was just so happy, he couldn't work!"
25. "My sister was in kindergarten when her teacher asked the class what they were allergic to. One kid said peanuts. My sister said people."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.