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    33 Parents Who Kept It Brutally — And Hilariously — Real On Twitter

    "Hats off to the waiter who kept a straight face as my 5-year-old ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna."

    We rounded up some of the funniest recent parenting tweets we could find, and they are so funny it isn't fair:


    Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

    Twitter: @pro_worrier_


    I asked my son what he wanted for his birthday and my daughter yelled MORE DEODORANT so now I have a favorite child.

    Twitter: @sweetmomissa


    6-year-old: How many cookies can I have? Me: One. 6: Cookies like to be in pairs.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My 7 year old: Mom, I like your hugs the best because your tummy is as soft and squishy as Play-Doh. I turned my womb into an apartment for THIS?!?

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in.

    Twitter: @Dad_At_Law


    I pointed out a fire truck to my coworker on our drive, and I think I need to spend less time with my children.

    Twitter: @LizerReal


    My 5-year-old, after having one drop of rain fall on him

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    My toddler clapped while I was eating my second piece of cake and this is the encouragement that’s been missing from my life.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”

    Twitter: @JennyPentland


    Whoever came up with the phrase “it’s better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn’t do” sure as shit never bought their 4 year old a whistle

    Twitter: @threetimedaddy


    My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    My 4 year old asked what happens when you drive over a stick of butter. I said, it’ll flatten. He asked how I knew. And that’s how we got here. So what I’m saying is, when we have a hypothesis in this house, we test it. I’m also saying, my wife is away.

    Twitter: @VitanzaNick


    My toddler, like many, calls every man she sees walking around a “dada”. Today she pointed at a man in target and said “dada”. The way this man freaked out 😭 “no no not possible”, he turns to his wife to say. The toddler def exposed him somehow

    Twitter: @surlybassey


    My 5yo is convinced that she has a super power. The super power is that she can smell ants.

    Twitter: @pro_worrier_


    I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled "I'M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!", and carried it to the car. I've circled the block twice and my luggage hasn't stopped laughing.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    My daughter (5) just said she can't wait to be fat like me so it's easier to float.

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Son #2: Daddy, can I get juice boxes for me and my friends? His friends:

    Twitter: @SladeWentworth


    13- I used to want to be an adult but now I don’t because y’all only talk about gas mileage and being tired

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    9-year-old: Does the tooth fairy leave money for sharks? Me: I don't think so. 9: Because they're mean, or because she can't afford it?

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    4 checked me over with his doctors kit and said “you’re too old I think you should stop breathing now” then told me to give him 600 thousand. His bedside manner is appalling and I need to remortgage my house to pay him, do not recommend

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    My son thinks putting your middle finger up is “unicorn hand.” In unrelated news, all the drivers passing us seem upset.

    Twitter: @momsense_ensues


    "I'M STILL A BADASS" I whisper, tiptoeing around the house so I don't wake my terrifying children

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    my five year old asked for a banana so I gave her a banana but it was a banana and not an apple and now all hell has broken loose send help

    Twitter: @mom_tho


    My kids thought they found the perfect ice cream only to discover it gives them bright green poop, and now they’re sure

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    9-year-old: My dress has pockets. Me: Okay. 9: Nothing can stop me.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My 12yo needed to send his friend a text but was feeling lazy so I said I’d do it for him and he said, “ok but don’t use any capitals or periods”. Books by Gen Z’ers are gonna be LIT.

    Twitter: @SnarkyMommy78


    4 said she was drawing a picture of me and when it was done she looked at it and said she’d changed her mind and that actually it was “a big hairy potato climbing a hill” and I don’t know what to make of any of this

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    My 3-year-old drew a family picture without her sister because she's mad at her. Her passive aggressive game is strong.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    It should be illegal for kids to change their favorite Disney character without giving you a 30 day notice

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    I asked my daughter if her stomach was still upset and my 4-year-old responded with, "stomachs have feelings?" Best thing I've heard all day.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    What I said: "Quiet down. I need to make a call." What they heard: "Now is a good time for Hamilton karaoke."

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

    If you think these parents are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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