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    21 Dads Who Are As Hilarious As They Are Seriously, Seriously Exhausted

    "Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 a.m.?"

    We rounded up some of the funniest dad tweets we could find, and they are brutally honest, seriously funny, and so, so 2020:

    1.

    Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

    2.

    Tried teaching my kids some Roman history... I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore

    3.

    Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!? 3 year old: I’m thirsty

    4.

    I told my kid to put his toys in the toy box and he told me the entire house is a toy box. He’s not wrong.

    5.

    My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.

    6.

    What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes. What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

    7.

    Me: What did you do at preschool? 4-year-old: Played cops and robbers. Me: What were you? 4: A t-rex.

    8.

    Me: Everything the light touches will be yours one day Son: You’re using a laser pointer Me: Yep Son: And it’s pointing at a jar of pennies Me: Yep

    9.

    My 5yo not wanting to brush her hair because her “hair is tired” is on another level of excuse that I think we can all learn from.

    10.

    Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

    11.

    me: *turns to face son in the back seat* you have until sunday to get your shit together boy

    12.

    Me: Can I tell you something? 6yo: *nods* Me: *whisper in ear* You are a blessing....I love you 6yo: *smiling* Can I tell you something? Me: Of course! 6yo: *whisper in ear* Bring me the iPad

    13.

    argued with my 5 yo the other day because he wanted to vacuum our concrete front porch. never imagined this would be an argument i'd ever have.

    14.

    A few years into being a parent you discover there is virtually zero difference between the sound of siblings happily playing together and the sound of siblings viciously trying to murder each other.

    15.

    Ok so I’m jealous that teachers have the power to mute my kids

    16.

    I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

    17.

    son: I have to tell you two things about my pet lizard me: you have a pet lizard? son: right, and the second thing is that it's missing from my room

    18.

    What I say: "don’t do that it’s dangerous" What my toddler hears: "prove to me you’re not a coward"

    19.

    My toddler is always saying that he loves living in our apartment because it’s “high in the sky” which is adorable. Telling a police officer that he’s “going to get high at home with daddy” less so.

    20.

    3yo: Daddy, I have something for you Me: Really? Thank you! 3: *hands me something small, brown and hard* Me: Um... where did you get this? 3: From my bum bum

    21.

    6-year-old: DAD!!! Me: What?! 6: Nothing. Just testing if you can still hear me.

    If you think these dads are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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