40 Hysterical Married People Who Could've Played Nice On Twitter But Thought, "Ha! Not A Chance!"

    "My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her."

    There's no doubt about it — marriage is full of the ups, the downs, and the seriously, seriously funny.

    Well, it's a good thing we have the totally hysterical married people on Twitter to keep it all the way real about it:


    Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

    Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer


    Husband of many years: Did I ever tell you about the time my… Me: Yes. The answer is always yes.

    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay


    My husband is currently several states away and I think I just heard him sneeze.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Make sure you know if your partner parks at the entrance or exit doors to Home Depot, if you’re not compatible the relationship won’t last

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her.

    Twitter: @Social_Mime


    My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it.

    Twitter: @Pandamoanimum


    My husband and I have been watching true crime together. When an episode ends, we just stare at each other, slowly backing out of the room from different exits

    Twitter: @Heatinblack


    My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee. I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

    Twitter: @ddsmidt


    Me: *mixing different alcohols together* Wife: What are you making? Me: A mistake.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Sometimes when the hubs is watchin a tv show I don’t like I’ll just sit down and say, “I think the kids were in your toolbox again…” And just like that I’m watching my show in 3..2..1

    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay


    My husband and I made a $100 bet when we stopped by a cool rooftop bar yesterday. He thought we’d get carded and I live in reality.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug.

    Twitter: @Dadsaysjokes


    I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My wife and I are at the point where I text "Hey" and she'll text back "It's on the dining room table."

    Twitter: @Social_Mime


    Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier? Me: Absolutely! Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight? Me: Absolutely!

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    When I get mad at my wife I wait till she's wearing a dress, put on my favorite cargo shorts and then complain that I can't find my wallet because I have too many pockets

    Twitter: @raoulvilla


    Dating: you’re going out with your boys again? Marriage: please just leave this house

    Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids


    I thought I could smooth over a fight with my wife by bringing home a cheese platter and that’s the second thing I’ve been super right about today

    Twitter: @rusty_coach


    YELLOW -my wife when I’m driving and a green light turns yellow.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    My husband acts like separate blankets is a gateway to separate houses as if sharing a blanket doesn’t have me weighing my options

    Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids


    I used my husband’s dandruff shampoo and I already notice a significant decrease in the amount of words I use when replying to text messages.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My husband just recorded his voice saying, "Wake up right now or you'll be late for school!" and is playing it on a loop for the kids, and this gentle reader, is why I married him.

    Twitter: @Wordesse


    Wife: ew boys are gross! Me: I’m just hugging you Wife: STOP FARTING WHILE YOU’RE HUGGING ME!! Me: why can’t you just love me the way I am?

    Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13


    Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench.

    Twitter: @ddsmidt


    My wife was sitting next to me on the couch and I texted "want to hook up?" When I looked over she was swiping left.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    I’m pretty sure that sharing dessert wasn’t part of my marriage vows.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    In honor of Father's Day, I gave my husband a Home Depot gift card with a beautifully handwritten to-do list.

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    I wish my wife would stop referring to our marriage as ‘The Long Con’

    Twitter: @English_Channel


    I keep hearing romance fades the longer you’re together, but my husband and I have been together for 15 years and we don’t flush the toilet at night so the whooshing sound doesn’t wake the other up. It’s almost like we invented romance.

    Twitter: @Lhlodder


    Ugh. Why does my wife always blame me for things that are my fault?

    Twitter: @kevinthedad


    Husband: Why are you so grumpy? Me: I’m not grumpy. My face:

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    Wife and I got a sitter for our date night. Might get a little crazy after dinner and hit up the good Target on the other side of town.

    Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer


    If I leave my clothes in the bathroom then my wife will place them in front of the bathroom door. I don’t get why she wants me to step over them each time I go into the bathroom…

    Twitter: @kevinthedad


    I saw “how to get rid of stubborn belly fat” in my wife’s search history even though I asked her to stop calling me that.

    Twitter: @RickAaron


    My husband must hate when I work from home because he has to keep popping up from his secret nap when he hears me come up the stairs

    Twitter: @EmSlyce


    Wife set her alarm 10 minutes before mine, whole day is ruined.

    Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13


    I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart & said, throw this & wherever it lands, I’m taking you there on vacation. Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

    Twitter: @mariana057

    If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!