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31 Seriously Hysterical Tweets About Married Life That Should Be Printed And Hung On The Fridge

"Get married so that when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, 'What?'"

Anyone who's married can tell you that it's full of ups, downs, and seriously hysterical in-betweens.


Well, we rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are funnier than should ever be allowed:


After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what's bothering my wife. I'm never right, but I can always guess.

Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Twitter: @MamaNeedsACoke


My wife sent me out alone to grab something "really quick" from Ikea. It's the most subtle way I've ever seen to ask for a divorce.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


Husband, Day 1 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener? Husband, Day 4563 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?

Twitter: @mommajessiec


My husband cheated on me in my dream last night, so naturally I’m giving him the silent treatment all day until he apologizes accordingly.

Twitter: @emily_tweets


Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face

Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


My wife, when I start a sentence “you know what I think?”

Twitter: @English_Channel


Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Twitter: @Chhapiness


*sitting on the beach watching the sunset* Husband: What are you thinking about beautiful? Me: *thinking about pasta* ...Us

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm married to a psychopath….

Twitter: @mariana057


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Twitter: @Dad_At_Law


Husband: Wow the place looks great! Who’s coming over? Me: The housekeeper.

Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


Sometimes, as a little treat for my wife, I turn the volume down to 90% when I watch a video on my phone.

Twitter: @simoncholland


I told my husband if he ever leaves me I’m going to be super mad but I will consider writing him a letter of recommendation for his next marriage.

Twitter: @EliMcCann


One of my favorite parts of marriage is when we separate and talk to different people at a social event, then download all the gossip to each other on the ride home.

Twitter: @copymama


My wife thinks I'm full of hot air, but if she gets cold, I'm going to be like - who's your daddy now.

Twitter: @a_simpl_man


My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco. If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Twitter: @Chhapiness


Wife: I need to lose weight Me: Maybe you should work out Wife: Maybe we should workout together Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Twitter: @IAmYardDad


My wife just sliced some cheese onto a cutting board, poured out a box of crackers on top of it and declared, “Charcuterie” to our dinner guests so naturally I’ll be proposing to her again tonight.

Twitter: @Dad_At_Law


Find yourself a spouse who giggles when the ketchup bottle farts.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


Wife: [putting frozen strawberries into blender] Child: Ooooh making smoothies? Wife: [emptying bottle of wine into blender]: kind of

Twitter: @RodLacroix


How to start an argument with your wife in one letter or less: “K”

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Marriage is just listening to your husband talk about what he wants to grill on the weekend.

Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


Wife: You didn't do anything today. Me: I finished two series on Netflix. Wife: Me: The words you're looking for are "Good job, dear."

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


Did I ever tell you about how uncomfortable my chair was in my wife’s birthing room?

Twitter: @SladeWentworth


Turn any room into an escape room by asking your wife what’s wrong.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Wife: We really need to paint the dining room. Me: What…Why? Didn’t we just paint it 12 years ago? Wife:

Twitter: @Shade510


My husband was snoring while napping on the couch so I nudged him to stop, then he woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and loudly ate a bowl of cereal. It was like a “most-hated sounds of marriage” compilation.

Twitter: @copymama


Wife: Stop telling people it's our 15th anniversary. It's our 14th. Me: How was I supposed to know that? Wife: You were at the wedding. Me: Yeah, but I was really drunk.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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