Skip To Content
  • Viral badge

31 Seriously Hysterical Tweets About Married Life That Should Be Printed And Hung On The Fridge

"Get married so that when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, 'What?'"

Anyone who's married can tell you that it's full of ups, downs, and seriously hysterical in-betweens.

NBC

Well, we rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are funnier than should ever be allowed:

1.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what's bothering my wife. I'm never right, but I can always guess.

Twitter: @HenpeckedHal

2.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Twitter: @MamaNeedsACoke

3.

My wife sent me out alone to grab something "really quick" from Ikea. It's the most subtle way I've ever seen to ask for a divorce.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

4.

Husband, Day 1 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener? Husband, Day 4563 of marriage: Where do we keep the can opener?

Twitter: @mommajessiec

5.

My husband cheated on me in my dream last night, so naturally I’m giving him the silent treatment all day until he apologizes accordingly.

Twitter: @emily_tweets

6.

Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face

Twitter: @maryfairybobrry

7.

My wife, when I start a sentence “you know what I think?”

Twitter: @English_Channel

8.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Twitter: @Chhapiness

9.

*sitting on the beach watching the sunset* Husband: What are you thinking about beautiful? Me: *thinking about pasta* ...Us

Twitter: @sixfootcandy

10.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Twitter: @mommajessiec

11.

My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm married to a psychopath….

Twitter: @mariana057

12.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Twitter: @Dad_At_Law

13.

Husband: Wow the place looks great! Who’s coming over? Me: The housekeeper.

Twitter: @smiles_and_nods

14.

Sometimes, as a little treat for my wife, I turn the volume down to 90% when I watch a video on my phone.

Twitter: @simoncholland

15.

I told my husband if he ever leaves me I’m going to be super mad but I will consider writing him a letter of recommendation for his next marriage.

Twitter: @EliMcCann

16.

One of my favorite parts of marriage is when we separate and talk to different people at a social event, then download all the gossip to each other on the ride home.

Twitter: @copymama

17.

My wife thinks I'm full of hot air, but if she gets cold, I'm going to be like - who's your daddy now.

Twitter: @a_simpl_man

18.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco. If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy

19.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Twitter: @Chhapiness

20.

Wife: I need to lose weight Me: Maybe you should work out Wife: Maybe we should workout together Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Twitter: @IAmYardDad

21.

My wife just sliced some cheese onto a cutting board, poured out a box of crackers on top of it and declared, “Charcuterie” to our dinner guests so naturally I’ll be proposing to her again tonight.

Twitter: @Dad_At_Law

22.

Find yourself a spouse who giggles when the ketchup bottle farts.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy

23.

Wife: [putting frozen strawberries into blender] Child: Ooooh making smoothies? Wife: [emptying bottle of wine into blender]: kind of

Twitter: @RodLacroix

24.

How to start an argument with your wife in one letter or less: “K”

Twitter: @mommajessiec

25.

Marriage is just listening to your husband talk about what he wants to grill on the weekend.

Twitter: @ThisOneSayz

26.

Wife: You didn't do anything today. Me: I finished two series on Netflix. Wife: Me: The words you're looking for are "Good job, dear."

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

27.

Did I ever tell you about how uncomfortable my chair was in my wife’s birthing room?

Twitter: @SladeWentworth

28.

Turn any room into an escape room by asking your wife what’s wrong.

Twitter: @mommajessiec

29.

Wife: We really need to paint the dining room. Me: What…Why? Didn’t we just paint it 12 years ago? Wife:

Twitter: @Shade510

30.

My husband was snoring while napping on the couch so I nudged him to stop, then he woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and loudly ate a bowl of cereal. It was like a “most-hated sounds of marriage” compilation.

Twitter: @copymama

31.

Wife: Stop telling people it's our 15th anniversary. It's our 14th. Me: How was I supposed to know that? Wife: You were at the wedding. Me: Yeah, but I was really drunk.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

BuzzFeed Daily

Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!

Newsletter signup form