Skip To Content

    50 Moms Who Didn't Plan To Be This Hysterically Brutal On Twitter, Things Just Happened That Way

    Mom jokes > dad jokes.

    There's no doubt about it — being a parent has its share of ups, down, and seriously hysterical "WTFs," especially as we enter summer:

    So it's a good thing we have the seriously hilarious moms of Twitter to keep it all the way real for us:


    My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    Bedtime is just a series of me saying I love you with progressively more rage.

    Twitter: @ScarlettPosner


    My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    My 5yo said she was bullied at camp. But when I asked for more info, it turns out she kept asking if it was snack time or lunch and they just kept telling her no.

    Twitter: @LizerReal


    I taught my kids to answer spam phone calls with "Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?" and then told them to sing "Fat guy in a little coat" until the caller hangs up, just in case you're wondering what type of parent I am.

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”

    Twitter: @KatieDeal99


    Nobody told me parenting would involve footprints on the ceiling.

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    My kid says "of course" a lot for someone with only 4 years of life experience

    Twitter: @deloisivete


    Ok, so I slept when the baby slept. Now I'm just waiting for the baby to do laundry.

    Twitter: @momgenes88


    Parenting tip: Only hike as far as you can carry all your children. I know this now.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My toddler said "I feel drinky" and yeah girl, same.

    Twitter: @ToriTheMom


    i didn't know two of the wiggles were married and then broke up but kept performing together. the fleetwood mac of childrens entertainment

    Twitter: @arb


    My 5-year-old once told me that she can't be nice to everyone all the time because it hurts her energies. I think about this a lot.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    My kid told me that she was very upset and crying at daycare and they made it all better by giving her food, and I have never felt closer to her

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    Love dropping 200 bucks at the zoo so my kids can lose their shit when they see a pigeon.

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    "A fart is like a little portable weapon that no one can take away from you," and other things my 9yo says out of the blue.

    Twitter: @copymama


    I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    me: I just need one relaxing day at home. my kids: yeah, we don't serve that here

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Kid: We never have anything good to eat! Me: Go shake your car seat out.

    Twitter: @SatiricalMommy


    Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

    Twitter: @sarcasticmommy4


    “Ooof no dragons” -My child’s scathing review of the book I’m reading

    Twitter: @mxmclain


    There should be a different word for vacation when it’s with your kids. Like exhaustation.

    Twitter: @LMemeit


    My daughter lost a tooth today and asked if the tooth fairy was going to bring her $5 so I think it’s safe to say that not even the tooth fairy can escape this inflation.

    Twitter: @sarabellab123


    I really miss my kids being young, not because of their cuteness, but because I used to tell them that things were closed when it was raining, and they believed me.

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    My kid systematically checks me for weaknesses like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

    Twitter: @mxmclain


    Honey, the Kids Shrunk Our Bank Account - coming to theaters this summer, probably

    Twitter: @AnnaDoesntWant2


    I need a YouTube channel that shows how to do common household repairs while a child says “Hey Mom” every 20 seconds.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Legend states that the moment the moon rises and your eyelids become heavy enough to close, a small child will immediately appear in an emergent state of dehydration

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    Why do my children think they can talk to me in the morning

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool. I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.

    Twitter: @Six_Pack_Mom


    No one wants your attention more than a kid in the back seat of a vehicle you're driving while you're trying to locate an address.

    Twitter: @jacanamommy


    My six year old is QUITE disappointed to learn what a car pool actually is.

    Twitter: @courtneyellis


    If you’re moving and your dog starts licking a box, do not yell “hey, stop licking the box” in front of your teenagers. Trust me.

    Twitter: @sweetmomissa


    Petition to put a lounge area into the Target toy section

    Twitter: @notmythirdrodeo


    A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

    Twitter: @sarcasticmommy4


    My teen and I are in this new phase where I mention a famous actor and she says “Who’s that?” and she mentions a famous actor and I say “Who’s that?”

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Overheard my husband telling our toddler, “I love you but don’t make me insane”, as if that hasn’t already happened

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    Never seen a cage fight but one time I did buy only 1 Costco fountain drink for my 2 kids to share so I get the gist

    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay


    Working from home full-time with kids home for the summer that are too young to have jobs, but too old to go to camp is some next level fuckery.

    Twitter: @mom_needsalife


    My son: what does willpower mean? Me *with a mouthful of breakfast doritos*:

    Twitter: @sweetmomissa


    How many pumps of soap is needed and could you tell my kid it’s not 79?

    Twitter: @LMemeit


    5 told me his dinner tasted like slugs but he also spent all day at school with his shoes on the wrong feet so wtf does he know

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    I need to buy a teacher gift that says, "I'm sorry my son hit you in the face with a shoe."

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Before I was a parent I never knew assembling kids toys required so much adult language.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My kid: Don’t compare me to other kids, it doesn’t make me want to be better Also my kid: Eva’s parents got her $300 sneakers, 5 iPhones, and a Swarovski-encrusted water bottle, you suck

    Twitter: @copymama


    One day my kids will move out and realize laundry doesn’t get done by itself and I feel for them. I really do.

    Twitter: @kristabellerina


    My 5-year-old asked what seasoning is. I told her it's what brings out the flavor in food and she said, "well you need that." I quit y'all.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    I was a horrible mother today and intentionally abandoned my children. Well what really happened was, I closed the door while I was in the restroom, but apparently it’s the same thing

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry

    If you think these moms are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

    Correction: I've added two new tweets from moms. The previous version of this post had two tweets that weren't from moms.