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    Feb 14, 2020

    23 Brutally Real Parenting Tweets That Are Exactly The Laugh I Needed Today

    "Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I'm asleep."

    We all know that parenting isn't easy.

    Warner Bros.

    But at least we have these hilariously brutal tweets to make it a little funnier:

    1.

    Parenting is just like waitressing only you get the same customers for every meal and they’re the shitty kind that demand ridiculous things and then never tip.

    2.

    How much time passes from the minute I drop kids at school until I pick them up 7 hrs later: approx 37 min How much time passes from the minute I pick them up from school until they finally fall asleep that night: exactly 19 days, 22 hours, 49 minutes and 37 seconds

    3.

    Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I'm asleep.

    4.

    FOR SALE: 2 kids, 5 and 3 years old. Gently used condition. They run very well. ᵀʰᵉʸ ʰᵃᵗᵉ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖᶦⁿᵍ . Extremely cute and funny. ᵂᶦˡˡ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦⁿᵍ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖ. Funny and charming. ˢᵉʳᶦᵒᵘˢˡʸ ᴵ’ᵐ ˢᵒ ᵗᶦʳᵉᵈ. Best offer or will trade for a sandwich.

    5.

    My daughter just asked me if my boobs were ever round. In case you’re wondering about some of the ways motherhood crushes your soul.

    6.

    Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore. DENIAL: You still like it. ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT! DEPRESSION: *crying* BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert. ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets. Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

    7.

    I'm not saying my daughter has life figured out but she's walking around with a purse full of cheese.

    8.

    7-year-old: I'm done with homework. Me: You did it? 7: That's not what I said.

    9.

    Friend: so what’s it like parenting a toddler? Me: why? Friend: just curious. Me: why? Friend: I don’t know nevermind. Me: why? Friend: Me: why? Friend: hey fuck you man. Me: yes that’s it exactly.

    10.

    My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

    11.

    Let’s play a game of “Why Did Part Of My Child’s Lunch Come Back Home Uneaten Today?” Choose one: A. “I didn’t have time to finish” B. “I didn’t notice that was in there” C. “It got soggy/brown/warm/cold” D. “I don’t like [insert food] anymore even though I loved it 2 days ago"

    12.

    My daughter just accidentally dropped her snotty tissue into my coffee and if that’s not a metaphor for parenting I don’t know what is.

    13.

    4yo: *crying* Me: what's wrong? 4yo: my cereal won't smile at me! Me: look at me 4yo: *still crying* Me: *pulls 4yo close* are you on drugs? 4yo: I love puppies Me: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?

    14.

    My daughter just told me that she invented fart-infused bathtub water and that I should “invest now”

    15.

    If you enjoy fighting with someone at 7 AM about brushing their teeth I can't recommend parenting highly enough.

    16.

    10: the tip of my dick is hurting Me: hey, language! 10: sorry, the tip of my Richard is hurting

    17.

    My kids will ask me to buy them something in literally any store. Like I swear to god that if I walked into an auto parts store, we wouldn’t even get fully inside before they’d say, “Hey mom! Can we get spark plugs?”

    18.

    Me: goodnight son I love you. 3yo: daddy? Me: yes? 3yo: your breath stinks. Me: sleep tight *unplugs nightlight*

    19.

    I thought I had more time, my 5 year old just asked that dreaded question... No, not the sex one, he asked me “When can I get my own phone?”

    20.

    Behind every photo taken at home is a mom pushing random crap out of the way so her house appears clean.

    21.

    I was about to eat a hash brown when my toddler asked if she could have it. I gave it to her even tho I REALLY wanted it. What does she do? Rips it in half, throws it on the floor and walks away.

    22.

    3: *playing on floor* Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: *comes over to me, sneezes in my face, goes back to playing on floor*

    23.

    5-year-old: Want to see how many cookies I can eat? Me: No. 5: Then don't watch.

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