1.
I didn’t expect to begin my morning by telling my 4yo “Please take the sock off your penis and put your pants on,” yet here we are.
2.
Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.
3.
Son: Mommy can I have ice cream? Me: No. My mom: You seem to say no a lot. Maybe you could find a different way to say it... Me: Fuck no.
4.
Listening to my kids argue makes me feel like I’m going to have a breakdown yet a little excited about a brief hospital stay.
5.
me: *hiding under bed* are the monsters gone wife: *sigh* yes the kids are asleep
6.
Me: Stop stalling and take a nap. 4-year-old: But I really have to ask you something. Me: What? 4: Can carrots be ghosts?
7.
That thing where you sit in bed on your phone until 2am and plan out how you're gonna be the perfect mom in the morning just to wake up and be too fucking tired for any of it.
8.
7yo son: May I have some water? Me: What are the magic words? 7yo son: I can get it myself. Me: There you go.
9.
Just because I'm a mom doesnt mean I'm not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe... maybe NOT. You just don't know.
10.
3: What's that? Me: It's my phone. 3: Is that your phone? Me: Yes. 3: Hey dad, is that your phone? Me: Yes. 3: Is that your phone? Me: Yes. 3: Me: 3: What is that? Me: You tell me. 3: Is that your phone? (repeat 1000 times)
11.
Me: *finally taking down the old backyard playset that is warped and faded from the sun, splintered, and covered in spiderwebs and wasp nests* My Pre-Tween Kids, playing games on their iPads: NOOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE LOVE OUR PLAYSET MOM STOP!!
12.
Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Me: [turns on favorite show] Kid: DADDY I HAVE A QUESTION WHY IS BLUE A COLOR!? WHY DO I EXIST? WILL GRIZZLY BEARS EAT BANANAS?
13.
I was just quickly and aimlessly tidying up my house, about 5 minutes in I realized that I was carrying around a potato. I don't know which room I picked the potato up in, I just know it was not the kitchen. Kids are fun
14.
Eventually, every toddler makes a vasectomy look attractive.
15.
Today, after stubbing my toe, I learned that 2ish is in the "repeater" phase of language development "Mudd-er fok-er" never sounded so cute
16.
Son: Can I have some? Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
17.
I love my daughter but she asked me if I was 22 & I said, no I’m 37 & she asked if I’m actually her grandma.
18.
Me: *shaking* One more time. Please. Husband: We talked about this. You’re an addict. It has to stop. Me: I need it so badly. Please. Just a little while longer. Husband: He’s done with naps. You’re just going to have to accept it. Me: *sobs, rocking back and forth*
19.
My kids have been watching 15 minutes of TV for over 3 hours now.
20.
[zombie apocalypse] Husband: this is bad Daughter: I'm scared Sons: what's for dinner?
21.
All serial killers were once toddlers. Coincidence? I think not.
22.
16 yo daughter: “I love you, mom” **hugging ensues** Me: “I love you too!” 14 yo son yelling from upstairs: “And I love POOP!”
23.
Me: Why are you still in bed? 9-year-old: Someone turned off my alarm. Me: Was it you? 9: Yes.