1.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
2.
Please choose one of the following school picture packages: A. Meh B. LOL C. Wtf happened to her hair? D. My child is a serial killer holy shit how did I not see the signs
3.
Oh you're into extreme sports? I just took two kids under the age of 5 grocery shopping. So, same.
4.
Me: *spends time picking out stuffed animals I think my daughter will love and get attached to* My daughter: *sleeps with and carries around a lemon*
5.
Me: What's the first rule of cooking? 4: Don't put your hands in your butt. Me: 4: Me: Correct.
6.
I was 27 when my son was born 4 years ago. I’m 42 now
7.
Parenting is a lot like buying 4 bananas and watching them get gobbled up in one day. Then buying 8 bananas the following week and watching them rot on your counter because 'No one likes bananas mommy.'
8.
5-year-old: I'm mad. Me: Why? 5: I DON'T NEED A REASON. She's living her best life.
9.
Ahh, just standing here sipping my coffee, listening to the sweet sounds of my oldest two children fighting first thing in the morning while the baby tries to eat the cat food. Hashtag blessed
10.
I’m convinced that my 6yo thinks if she stops talking for more than 30 seconds a bomb will go off like in Speed, it’s the only explanation
11.
Me: ok so what's the 411 on this game 10yo: the what Me: you know 41...oh right. you don't know. It means information becuz we used to have to dial 411 on the phone to get someones phone # or address. 10yo: so u mean what's the google then? Me: yes. exactly.
12.
What’s it like when your kids listen to you the first time you say something? No. I’m asking. What’s it like. Someone please tell me.
13.
I don’t know started the saying “life is short” but it definitely wasn’t a parent waiting for a child to “do it myself”
14.
My revenge plan is mainly encouraging my daughter to make lots and lots of home made crafts so that she can bring them to her schoolteacher to display in her classroom.
15.
*Loud crash from another room* Toddler: NOTHING!!
16.
[walking into elementary school] Me: Hi I'm dropping my daughter off for Kindness Club. Teacher: Well, Kindness Club doesn't start for another 15 minutes so- Me: THIS IS BULLSHIT Daughter: THIS IS BULLSHIT
17.
Thanks to daylight savings, my kids get an extra hour of arguing in.
18.
no one: my 4yo: daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?
19.
[My mother-in-law comes up behind my 10yo and starts brushing her hair] 10yo: OUCH!!! *Looks over her shoulder* 10yo: Oh sorry, I thought you were my mom.
20.
If I could change one thing about my kids, I think I’d synchronise their taste buds
21.
TODDLERS: THE MUSICAL Including hits like: 🎵 I Don’t Want That (Yes I Do) 🎵 NO NO NO NO NO 🎵 He’s Looking At Me, She’s Breathing on Me 🎵 Cough in Your Mouth 🎵 Bedtime is The Time for Questions SHOWTIMES AT 4 AM, 5 AM, and DURING YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW
22.
4-year-old: I can't find my shoes. Me: Where did you look? 4: Nowhere. We're off to a good start.
23.
What’s it called when you do everything possible to make people happy but nobody’s happy? Ah yes, parenthood.