Every day, florists see the weirdest, most uncomfortable, hilarious, and totally cringeworthy messages people write on cards:
Well, Reddit user dIGITALbEATdOWN asked professional florists to share the most outrageous card messages they've had to deliver, and I laughed, cringed, and clutched my pearls:
1. "I once had to send a card that said, 'To my one and only — I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was married.'"
2. "Someone once had us send a dead roses arrangement with a card that said, 'These roses are as black as your heart, bitch.'"
"And the note on the order was to make the arrangement as dead and goth-looking as possible."
3. "I work in a luxury retail store, and once the message requested on a gift was, 'Sorry I cheated on you — I was very drunk and your sister looks just like you!'"
4. "Our shop used to have a card with a picture of a dog in a doghouse on it. Well, once someone had me write, 'Sorry, but I'm choosing her. You can have the kids.' I thought that was pretty brutal, so I used the doghouse card — thought it was appropriate."
5. "My mom is a florist, and she once got a request to write, 'I couldn't come up with a better way to tell you that you might have chlamydia.'"
6. "Welcome to Dumpville. Population YOU."
"And this same guy sent this arrangement to girlfriends all the time. He never sent flowers when he was dating someone, only when he was dumping her."
7. "My fiancé is a florist, and she often sends me ridiculous messages she's been asked to attach to flower orders. My personal favorite so far? 'Sorry I knocked up your friend. From, David.'"
8. "I removed these from nature so that you can watch them slowly die in your house."
9. "This should at least be worth a blowjob."
10. "Someone was sending an arrangement to a family who was celebrating the arrival of their new twins, and the person had me write on the card, 'I'm sorry for the bad news. Good luck!'"
11. "I wrote a very explicit message to my significant other in an online floral order. Well, I got a call from the very angry florist telling me I couldn't write such lewd things in the card. We haggled a bit before he finally allowed me to sign the card, 'Your #1 Nasssty Man.'"
12. "I delivered for a floral company and once had to deliver an arrangement with a card that said, 'We're so sorry about your nose.' We had a little chuckle about it at the shop, but when I went to deliver and a college-aged girl opened the door with a smooshed nose, I absolutely lost it!"
"I pretty much forced the flowers into her hands and ran to the car so she wouldn't see me laughing."
13. "My aunt and uncle had a falling out with my grandparents over something pretty trivial. Well, a year later, my grandfather died of a heart attack, and my aunt sent flowers to the funeral. The message on the card read, 'The old bastard got what he deserved.'"
14. "I saw one for a birthday that said, 'I can't wait to lick your toes and sniff your cornhole!'"
"I geniunely think some people don't realize the florist can see the messages placed in online orders!"
15. "Three dozen roses were delivered for a lady I work with, accompanied by a key and note which said, 'By the time you get these, I'll be moved out.' That's how she found out her fiancé had packed up and moved out of their apartment..."
"But it gets better. They had a joint checking account, which he'd drained that morning and bought the roses using overdraft protection. So when her paycheck was direct deposited that night, half her check went toward the cost of the flowers! But on the bright side, our district manager, who had a huge crush on her, found out she was single again, and he literally drove across three states to take her to dinner. They've been married 18 years now."
16. "When my mom was dating my stepdad, he would send her flowers with the same heartfelt note every time: 'Regards, Bob Johnson.'"
17. "I once had to send an Edible Arrangement whose card said, 'Thanks for letting me borrow your deodorant!'"
18. "Once, my boyfriend sent me a dozen roses with a card that said, 'I would dragon kick a baby for you.'"
"10 years later, we're still married."
19. "I was covering the front desk at work when a florist dropped off an arrangement of blue and yellow flowers in a hurry. There was no name or office number, so I opened the card to check who the flowers were for. The card said, 'Congratulations, I hope your dick falls off — Roger.'"
20. "Please unblock me on Facebook."
21. "When my stepdad died, there was a wreath at the wake that just said, 'TBD.' My mom were super confused, but it turns out a family friend said they'd call back with a message for the card and never did."
22. "My mom's a florist, and once a lady came into the shop and spent 20 minutes finding the perfect sympathy card just to write, 'Sorry you're such a dumb bitch.' It was for her sister."
23. "Once, I had a guy who didn't want to send a card at all, just a dildo that he wanted to put in the arrangement with the flowers."
Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.