We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh in a really, really embarrassing way:
1.
Marriage is strange, you pick a side of the bed on the first date and that becomes the only side you will ever sleep on for the rest of your life.
2.
Imagine being so stupid that when your wife or girlfriend asks you to take a photo of her and you take exactly one photo.
3.
I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.
4.
My husband went to the grocery store this morning which was super helpful so now I’m headed to the grocery store to get all the things we need.
5.
I texted my wife asking how her day was and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's your answer
6.
Is your husband mature or does he ask you to hold his salty nutsack every time he hands you a bag of pistachios at Whole Foods?
7.
my wife and I have been reviewing our finances and determined we need a sugar daddy
8.
My husband told me to dress nice because he was going to take me somewhere really expensive. I swear to God, if it’s the Lowe’s lumber aisle, it’s over.
9.
Excited to bond with my wife and tell her that her labor pains were nothing compared to my body ache from the second vaccine shot
10.
Me, 21: I think having all boy roommates would be cool Me, 39: *living with a husband and three sons* fuck
11.
Husband is tired.
12.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
13.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
14.
ENGAGED: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine MARRIED: Your arm was on my half of the bed last night.
15.
wife: keep going, it’s turning me on me: i can’t do this in front of you wife: c’mon, just try *winks* me: ok *nervously loads dishwasher*
16.
Husband: “We agreed no more cards right? Cuz I can save $7 and get you a pint of ice cream instead.” Marry someone who just gets you.
17.
Wife and I are drinking outside on the deck and the neighbors are also outside having a massive argument so looks like our night just planned itself
18.
Wore my husbands shoes outside and now I can’t stop grilling things and checking my weather app
19.
me: if i have two pieces of cake will you judge me husband: if you don’t eat it the cake will go bad me: 😍...i vow to never backseat drive again h: really? no: omfg no jk i love you tho
20.
Husband: *sneezes* Me: Bless you. Husband: *sneezes again* Me: I can’t live like this.
21.
My wife can give the finger with her eyes.
22.
I don't mean to brag but my husband and I met at McDonald's.
23.
I was gonna do that - my husband, after I’ve already done it