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27 Moms On Twitter Who Tweeted The Hilarious Things They Would Never Say Out Loud

"I love how my kid is super funny except for when he's telling a joke."

We rounded up some of the funniest recent mom tweets we could find, and they are seriously funny:


if you ask my daughter about her school day, she only talks about her meals and snacks. i'm really so proud.

Twitter: @LizerReal


i love how my kid is super funny except for when he’s telling a joke

Twitter: @cellapaz


been searching for my 4 year old’s dog who is lost somewhere in this house. her… imaginary dog. we still haven’t found him. she’s crying.

Twitter: @GeeSweetYeeks


Walked in on 10 sneaking Halloween candy and when I asked her what she's doing, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "Practicing."

Twitter: @Wordesse


Schools need to make a spirit day that is easy for parents, like My Mom Forgot it was School Spirit Day Day.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner.

Twitter: @SnarkyMommy78


Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward? 2: Hit my brother

Twitter: @kidversations_


My 4-year-old asked if I could take her to the little restaurants that we just pass by and eat. Took me a while to realize she was talking about Costco samples.

Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


My 4yo called my husband a "big strong man" when he brought her juice, proving she has already mastered the art of handling of a man while subtly trolling him.

Twitter: @LizerReal


I told my daughter I would give her $10 to clean her brother’s room, but that I would give it to her in the morning and she made this last night.

Twitter: @theedouble_g


My 7 yr old told me she can't draw me because I'm "not symmetrical," in case you're wondering what parenting does for your self-esteem.

Twitter: @Wordesse


have kids, so that when you cut yourself and are bleeding and desperately need a bandage you can find an empty box because your child needed all of them when her foot was itchy

Twitter: @mom_tho


My toddler came stumbling out of her nursery Halloween party today, cat ears askew, mumbling something about dancing forever and I’ve never seen so much of myself in her until that moment

Twitter: @Lottie_Poppie


Absolutely no one: My kid: isn’t it weird how no one ever really knows when they’re in the middle of their life

Twitter: @pro_worrier_


ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me? i mean her would you judge her

Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab


My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform. I see where she gets it from.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


*Kidzbop song plays* my 4yo: they were 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙 to say "fuck"

Twitter: @LizerReal


Toddler, hitting me with toy hammer: Mom, I’m fixing you! Me: *fires therapist*

Twitter: @deloisivete


My daughter has been trying to decide what she wants off the menu for 20 minutes and it’s driving my husband crazy. Our little girl is all grown up and ready for marriage.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


Nobody: My 6-year-old: Planets fart like humans.

Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab


4 told me at bedtime all his body parts were tired, especially his penis and his hair and I’m not sure exactly what he’s been doing with his penis and his hair but I don’t think I want to know

Twitter: @MumInBits


One day you're the "best mom ever" and the next day your kid is giving you the side eye because you ate the last Oreo.

Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Twitter: @Lottie_Poppie


My toddler just came up to me and said “you deserve donuts today” and I couldn’t agree more And by toddler I mean my own brain

Twitter: @Kateness8


I gave my daughter great advice earlier… I mean, it was the lyrics to a Kenny Rogers song but she doesn’t know that.

Twitter: @GingerHotDish


ahh the sweet pitter-patter of my children running around every morning slamming doors yelling they have no clothes to wear refusing to brush their teeth telling me they are missing a shoe crying because the dog ate their breakfast when they weren’t looking

Twitter: @mom_tho


Friend with baby: so when does the really stressful phase end Me: HAHAHAHAHAAAA *cries*

Twitter: @MumInBits

If you think these moms are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!