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    27 Married People On Twitter Whose Spouses Probably Have No Idea They're This Brutally Hilarious

    "If my husband wrote a cookbook, it would be called How to Make a Meal Using Only Every Dish in the Kitchen."

    We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are brutally hilarious:


    Petitioner requests dissolution of the marriage based on

    Twitter: @LizerReal


    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    When I tell my husband I just need to get one or two things as we enter a shop, and he goes to get a trolley Marriage level: Expert

    Twitter: @dramadelinquent


    Sorry you finally folded towels in thirds only for your wife to tell you, “we roll them now.”

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    If my husband wrote a cook book, it would be called How to Make a Meal Using Only Every Dish in the Kitchen.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Husband: I wonder who keeps putting the neighbor’s reindeer lawn ornaments in sexual positions. Me:

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    Secret to a successful marriage is to wake up and be the first one to say, “I didn’t sleep well”

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    Welcome to marriage: You now have TV shows you aren’t allowed to watch without your spouse.

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    The jack-o’-lanterns on my neighbor’s porch look like my wife and I twenty minutes into an argument about where to eat.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were

    Twitter: @notmythirdrodeo


    My husband eating pizza in bed over our new duvet cover shows he's really not scared of me anymore

    Twitter: @dramadelinquent


    Women aren’t complicated. We want love, attention, and a grande carmel macchiato in a venti cup, one quarter 1%, one quarter almond, extra hot, light on the foam, 1 packet of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and two short sprinkles of cinnamon.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Wife: You smell like bacon. Me: Thanks. Wife: It wasn't a compliment. Me: There's literally only one way to take that.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My wife's favorite spatula for I don't know...20 years broke on me this morning. Could I stay with you for just a couple of days?

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    I bought 14 some new bed sheets so he can change them more frequently. My husband said that he can now regularly… “sheet the bed” They high-fived and laughed hysterically as I poured another glass of wine.

    Twitter: @SwissArmyWife00


    I’m sorry for what I said when my husband put all my bras in the dryer

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    Husband: I got you some reindeer antlers for your car. Me: I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t just say that.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My wife just lit her Yankee Christmas Cookie candle so I guess it’s really happening.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    Me: We need to buy a little bowl for the hermit crab our 3rd grader is bringing home from school. What my husband heard: Buy a 36 gallon tank complete with Hogwarts Castle.

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    Me: What's for dinner? Wife: Salad. Me: I mean, after the salad.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    My husband asked me if our new hand towel was for decoration only. Is there an award? I feel like he should get an award.

    Twitter: @3sunzzz


    wife: you want to try these cheese crackers made from cauliflower? me: [already on the phone with a divorce attorney]

    Twitter: @dadmann_walking


    This egg has already hatched. Keep looking for easter eggs for a chance to be a winner of our 5 Days of Giveaways


    My husband has perfected the art of telling me he needs something from the store as soon as I get back in the car

    Twitter: @pro_worrier_


    me: *groaning* I think I ate too many brussels sprouts wife: you had two me: like I said

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    I’m considering polygamy so someone else can answer my husband’s questions mid-movie.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Husband: where’s my pen Me: in the drawer . . . H: which drawer Me: the top drawer . . . H: which top drawer Me: in the kitchen . . . H: where’s the kitchen

    Twitter: @MumInBits

    If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!