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    23 Husbands Whose Tweets Made Me Laugh So Hard I Almost Hurt Myself

    "My wife is at her hottest when she's angry at someone who is not me."

    We rounded up some of the funniest recent husband tweets we could find, and they are 100% real, and 1000% hysterical:


    Marriage level: I did a video call with my wife because I didn't feel like walking up the stairs.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My wife speaks four languages: English, eyerolls, door slams and sighs.

    Twitter: @Social_Mime


    Twitter: @Ygrene


    I wish my wife would be more like Jeff Bezos and step away from Amazon

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    Can you please stop breathing like that? —A marriage story

    Twitter: @SladeWentworth


    I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    Wife: [looks at my hand] you lost your wedding ring when you were spinning it on the table, didn't you? Me: [not wanting to admit she is right] actually I'm having an affair.

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    My wife is at her hottest when she is angry at at someone that is not me.

    Twitter: @Cheeseboy22


    One of my husband’s most impressive talents is how he’s able to say the word “we” and have it actually mean “you.” For example “I see we finished the entire pack of Oreos we opened just this morning.”

    Twitter: @EliMcCann


    Me: what's wrong? Wife: you're not supposed to say you have a favorite child Me: everyone does secretly Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

    Twitter: @thedad


    My marriage vows never said anything about removing a bevy of various sized pillows from the couch before laying down on it.

    Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer


    my wife’s mad cause i didn’t get the “right kind of frozen yogurt”

    Twitter: @TweetPotato314


    My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov- Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    Not to brag but my wife says I have an answer for everything.

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    WIFE: i’m just “resting my eyes” ME: stop appropriating dad culture

    Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13


    Me: Your haircut looks nice. Wife: I didn't get a haircut. My appointment was canceled. Me: Your hair always looks nice.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Get married so your wife can correct your pronounc.. pronun.... prunoon... the way you say things

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    Me: I wanna ruin your makeup Wife: ooh naughty LATER Wife: *sobbing* Me: *pausing "Up"* unbelievable right

    Twitter: @SvnSxty


    Wife [from the other room]: can you hear me? Me: no Wife: Me: I mean, what?

    Twitter: @Average_Dad1


    My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    [Dating] Girlfriend: are you annoyed by me? Me: there's nothing you could do I wouldn't love :) [Married] Wife: Me: the way you say "envelope" is weird and wrong

    Twitter: @thedad


    My wife just rolled over to me in bed and whispered, “I know it’s late but do you want to have cheese toast?” That, my friends, is how you keep the romance alive.

    Twitter: @simoncholland

    If you think these husbands are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!