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50 Brutally Hysterical Marriage Tweets That Belong In The 2020 Hall Of Fame

"Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong."

There's no doubt about it — between the hilarious challenges of being quarantined with your spouse due to the pandemic and the everyday hilarity of marriage, husbands, wives, and partners delivered us some seriously funny tweets in 2020. Here are 50 of our favorites:


DATING: can’t wait to see you again MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night


Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.


My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners


Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.


There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.


The look in my wife’s eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.


Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong


My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay.


I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?


Wife: You're doing it wrong. Me: What? Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*


My wife said she’d buy her own birthday cake this is a test right


Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.


In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries


-commercial break- Husband: *silent* -fight scene- Husband: *completely and utterly silent* -quiet dialogue scene- Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up....


My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.


My wife and I are both working from home. She microwaved fish. Time to alert HR.


Me, giving my husband’s eulogy: It’s so hard Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ.


I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.


This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.


I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.


I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know


Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight? Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits. Wife: That movie doesn't exist.



My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.


MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*


overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf


I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.


My husband put the toilet paper on the roll. Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes?


I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.


Why isn’t porn more realistic? Like why isn’t there one with a husband and wife and the wife chokes violently on her spit and the husband gets alarmed they spend a good 5 mins with her coughing and him smacking her on the back and then the mood is gone so they go get donuts?


Surgeon: I can't find the clot Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise


#Quarantine week 3. My wife has started throwing baby showers for all the birds nesting in our backyard. Please send help.


Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.


Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP. Wife: let me in the fucking house.


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]: M: will you please just take medicine?? H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it?? M: what flav...it’s ADULT FLAVORED!


Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.


My husband just said, "Okey dokey, Artichokey," and now I'm wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.


Wife: Wanna fool around tonight? Me: I haven’t shaved, I'm really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me. Wife: You could have just said “no.” Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?


Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive.


Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.


My husband: We were way over on groceries last month. Me: How did THAT happen? Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches... Me: ... Him: ...babe, that’s bad. Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE


My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.


Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?” Me, “A bottle of champagne.” Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.” Me, “I said what I said.”


My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.


When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions. I should probably buy him something soon.


Husband: Does it bother you when I — Me: Yes.


Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on? Me: Just giving you a show. Wife: Can I change the channel?

Now that 2020 is finally (almost) over, we're looking back on the year. Check out even more from the year here!

And if you think these people are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!