Parents·Posted on Aug 1, 202025 Seriously Brutal Tweets About Marriage I Feel Only Slightly Guilty For Laughing At"Sent my husband nudes, and he asked me which mole I was worried about."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink We rounded some of the funniest recent tweets about marriage we could find, and I only felt slightly guilty for how hard I laughed: 1. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Marriage year 1: Your sneezes are so cute. Marriage year 10: For the love of God! I hope your head explodes. 08:45 PM - 22 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Laura Marie @lmegordon Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about. 01:10 AM - 23 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Wife: That's a new shirt. Me: It was on sale. Wife: Was it free? Me: No. Wife: You paid too much. 12:53 AM - 08 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf 01:43 AM - 19 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ @maryfairybobrry My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.” 04:39 PM - 25 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 me: *glances at wife optimistically* wife: just drive 01:09 PM - 17 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Marcy G @BunAndLeggings Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive. 12:46 PM - 25 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Roy🌾 @MyNameIsArchaic [during sex] Me: hurt me Wife: I call my dad when you leave the house to ask him how to fix your renovation mistakes. Me: wait- Wife: I secretly hired a landscaping company to take care of the grass because your lawn care skills are severely lacking. 05:48 PM - 21 Jun 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Mommy Owl @Lhlodder Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story... turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask. 12:10 AM - 17 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run. 07:21 PM - 13 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other. 04:01 AM - 12 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Jessie @mommajessiec 80% of marriage is repeating yourself. I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF. 02:01 PM - 02 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Simon Holland @simoncholland My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening. 02:19 PM - 07 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP My wife leaving for Pilates every Thursday morning for the last two years: I’m leaving. Me: Where’re you going? 02:54 PM - 23 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Darlin’ Darla @Darlainky Husband: I think we need to talk about... Me: I don’t like where this is heading. Husband: Where do you think it’s heading? Me: A conversation. 07:59 PM - 20 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz The success of my marriage is measured by how many times a week I say, “I told you so” to my husband. 12:14 AM - 29 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Village Person @SvnSxty Surgeon: I can't find the clot Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise 07:35 PM - 20 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz If your husband tells you you're being too dramatic don't forget to bow when you thank him. 01:23 PM - 13 Jun 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Wife: I need another beer. Me: Another one? Wife: Yeah. I’ve had an awful day. Me: What? You were with me all day. Wife: Me: Wife: Me: You want it in a chilled glass or 01:00 AM - 20 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Dude-Bro Dad @thedadvocate01 My wife and I are comparing bug bites if you want to know how to keep things fresh. 12:37 AM - 28 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 me: i'm gonna go get a cookie wife: have some fruit instead me: but i want a cookie wife: fruit is better for you me: okay, fine wife: you'll thank me later me: 04:04 PM - 25 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy So it turns out that my husband is allergic to my new cat. Sadly, I have to rehome him. Anyone interested in a sneezing middle aged man? 06:30 PM - 08 Jun 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Dude-Bro Dad @thedadvocate01 Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad! Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale* 06:05 PM - 25 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Divergent Mama @Divergentmama New marriage vows should include: I will laugh with you, and not at you. Unless you try to make a Tiktok video with the kids. 12:48 AM - 16 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Me: I need everyone in the van in ten minutes. Wife: Not enough time. You should have stated earlier. Me: Like when? Wife: Yesterday. 08:08 PM - 10 Jul 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite If you think these people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!