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    25 Seriously Brutal Tweets About Marriage I Feel Only Slightly Guilty For Laughing At

    "Sent my husband nudes, and he asked me which mole I was worried about."

    We rounded some of the funniest recent tweets about marriage we could find, and I only felt slightly guilty for how hard I laughed:


    Marriage year 1: Your sneezes are so cute. Marriage year 10: For the love of God! I hope your head explodes.


    Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


    Wife: That's a new shirt. Me: It was on sale. Wife: Was it free? Me: No. Wife: You paid too much.


    overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf


    My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.”


    me: *glances at wife optimistically* wife: just drive


    Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive.


    [during sex] Me: hurt me Wife: I call my dad when you leave the house to ask him how to fix your renovation mistakes. Me: wait- Wife: I secretly hired a landscaping company to take care of the grass because your lawn care skills are severely lacking.


    Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story... turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask.


    My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.


    There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.


    80% of marriage is repeating yourself. I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.


    My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.


    My wife leaving for Pilates every Thursday morning for the last two years: I’m leaving. Me: Where’re you going?


    Husband: I think we need to talk about... Me: I don’t like where this is heading. Husband: Where do you think it’s heading? Me: A conversation.


    The success of my marriage is measured by how many times a week I say, “I told you so” to my husband.


    Surgeon: I can't find the clot Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise


    If your husband tells you you're being too dramatic don't forget to bow when you thank him.


    Wife: I need another beer. Me: Another one? Wife: Yeah. I’ve had an awful day. Me: What? You were with me all day. Wife: Me: Wife: Me: You want it in a chilled glass or


    My wife and I are comparing bug bites if you want to know how to keep things fresh.


    me: i'm gonna go get a cookie wife: have some fruit instead me: but i want a cookie wife: fruit is better for you me: okay, fine wife: you'll thank me later me:


    So it turns out that my husband is allergic to my new cat. Sadly, I have to rehome him. Anyone interested in a sneezing middle aged man?


    Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad! Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*


    New marriage vows should include: I will laugh with you, and not at you. Unless you try to make a Tiktok video with the kids.


    Me: I need everyone in the van in ten minutes. Wife: Not enough time. You should have stated earlier. Me: Like when? Wife: Yesterday.

    If you think these people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!