Married People Are Sharing The Funniest Things Their Partners Have Done In Their Sleep, And I'm Crying

    "My husband jumped up and said, 'I'mma kick that clown's ass and take his cotton!'"

    Not too long ago, we shared a post in which married people told us the weirdest thing they've learned about their spouse since moving in together, and it was seriously hilarious.

    Well, our readers chimed in with their own stories, and it turns out spouses are talking — and doing other hilarious things — in their sleep all over the place! Here are some of the funniest and most random things people's spouses have said and done:

    1. "Once, my partner jumped up in his sleep and said, 'I'mma kick that clown's ass and take his cotton!'"

    2. "My husband sometimes credit card swipes my butt cheeks in his sleep. The first few times, I thought he was looking for action, until he turned over and kept snoring."

    —Alexis Cedillo, Facebook

    3. "My partner said that once I rolled over and asked him how much my bail was, then rolled back over and fell back to sleep. I've never been arrested in my life!"

    —Elizabeth Ann Cole, Facebook

    4. "My husband is a truck driver, and I woke up once to him 'shifting gears' with my leg."

    5. "The day after Thanksgiving, I leaned over to cover my sleeping husband up with the blanket, and he turned to me and said, 'I'm supposed to have seven green beans somewhere — did you take them?'"

    —Chasity Johnson, Facebook

    6. "The funniest thing my husband said in his sleep was, 'That dolphin is making anti-Semitic comments!' I laughed so hard I cried."

    —Katrina Powalisz, Facebook

    7. "Once, my sleeping ex said, 'Every stair step is a step...on those things called stairs.'"

    8. "My husband once rolled over, nudged me, and whispered, 'Do you see them? They see you.'"

    "Nothing like the love of your life waking you up and scaring you half to death."


    9. "Once, my sleeping wife said, 'Guuuuuuurll, I need to get my finances in order.' We still laugh about it to this day."

    —Chaz Rutledge, Facebook

    10. "My husband once woke me up saying, 'Call the police. Call the police! CALL. THE. POLICE!' I chuckled when I realized he was sleep talking. And the next morning, he told me he'd been dreaming that one of his students was upset about her grade, and was revving up a car at the end of our driveway, preparing to run him over! He's a professor."

    11. "Both my husband and my youngest son sleep talk. Since our son also has night terrors during growth spurts, we let him sleep in our room then so we can keep any eye on him. And when that happens, he and my husband have actual sleep-talking conversations..."

    "My husband will say something on my left, and my son replies on my right."

    —Gem Teale, Facebook

    12. "Once, my husband tried to cuddle my big toe, thinking it was our newborn baby."

    —Jess Singleton-Liljeqvist, Facebook

    13. "I'll never forget the time my husband was asleep and he said, 'Survey says, "Ummmmm, fuck me."'"

    14. "When my husband and I were dating, I had woken up to go to the bathroom, and when I got back, he was all over my side of the bed. So I nudged him and told him to move over, and he said, 'What smoke are you crackin'?' We still quote it to this day."

    —Kelly Lynn, Facebook

    15. "Once, my husband yelled, 'Son of a bitch stole my apple!'"

    —Brittany Leighton, Facebook

    16. "My partner once smacked me across the face with a pillow because I was listing every cake flavor out. His birthday was coming up, and in my sleep I was trying to figure out what type of cake to make."

    17. "Once, my dad watched Universal Soldier before going to bed, and the next morning, my mom told me she woke up in the middle of the night by him saying, 'You're going to die — BANG, BANG, BANG!' and finger-gunning her in the ribs. She had to hit him to wake him up."

    —Edith Garcia, Facebook

    18. "My partner told me that one night, I sat up, sang the theme music to Neverending Story, and went back to sleep."

    — BuzzFeed User

    19. "My wife says that in my sleep, I offer her cheese."

    20. "My husband just loudly yelled, 'Hot damn!'"

    —Jordana Adkins Hayes, Facebook

    21. "Once, my sleeping fiancé said, 'I don't like being peed on!' But my favorite is when he said, 'BABE! Baaaaabe!' then wrapped his arms around me and said, 'Mine.'"

    What about you? Have you — or your partner — ever said or done something weird, random, or seriously hilarious in your sleep? Tell us about it in the comments section, and you could be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post!