OMG, These Things Married People Learned About Their Partners After Moving In Together Have Me Dying
"I learned my husband prefers to pee outdoors, and I once even caught him peeing out of our bedroom window in the middle of the night!"
We recently published a post in which married people shared the hilarious and random things they learned about their spouses after marrying them, and they seriously made us laugh like no other:
Well, naturally, readers of the BuzzFeed Community chimed in with their own hilarious post-wedding discoveries, and they made us laugh, gasp, and shake our heads:
1. "I learned that my husband likes to pee outdoors. We live in the country, so it's fine...except for the times I caught him peeing off our front porch and once OUT OF OUR OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW in the middle of the night! Luckily, he doesn't do that anymore."
2. "I learned that my husband saves his nail clippings and snacks on them later. He either rips them off his fingers or clips them, and I randomly find clusters of clippings at his desk or next to his spot on the couch. It completely grosses me out!"
3. "My husband often says completely ridiculous things when he's woken up from a deep sleep — for example, I once woke him up while getting in bed after a night shift, and he said, 'Milhouse is in trouuuuuuble.' I laughed for a good 20 minutes!"
4. "I learned that my husband refuses to use plates. He eats out of glass Pyrex pie dishes. His reasoning is that 'plates need sides.'"
5. "Apparently, my husband has to poop at least twice — and often three times! — before he leaves for work. And he has to do the same between work and bed!"
6. "I learned that my husband has to pee before doing anything. I'll say, 'Can you hand me the remote?' and he'll reply, 'Hold on, let me pee first.' I'll say, 'Can you go check the mail?' and he'll say, 'Yeah, hold on, I need to pee.'"
7. "My husband refuses to use a steak knife to cut his meat. He just stabs it with his fork and eats it like a caveman!"
8. "My husband has bad night terrors where he screams so loudly I worry someone will call the cops, thinking I'm murdering him! He even used to have them when we traveled, in the damn hotel rooms!"
9. "I learned that my partner doesn't flush the toilet when he goes 'number one.' He grew up in a really poor household, where they had to save money wherever they could — including not flushing unless absolutely necessary — and the habit just stuck."
"Weirdly, I don't even think it's gross anymore. I just live with it and move on."
10. "My husband sleeps with his eyes open. The first time I stayed the night at his place, I thought he'd died!"
11. "I discovered that my wife creates spontaneous and unconscious portmanteaus — new words created from two other words, both whose definitions apply. For instance, she used the word 'saggle bags' the other day, meaning 'saggy saddle bags.' And she says 'smathered' all the time, as in, 'This bread is smathered with jelly.' It's a combination of smothered and slathered. It makes me laugh all the time!"
12. "Literally today I learned that my husband blows his nose while he's on the toilet, to help himself poop."
13. "I'm married to a professional musician, and I discovered that occasionally, he sings background vocals in his sleep."
14. "I learned that instead of walking into rooms, my husband has to dance into them."
15. "I learned that my husband didn't know how to cut an apple with a knife because he grew up using an apple slicer. I actually had to teach him how to cut an apple!"
16. "My husband does this thing where he rubs a blanket between his thumb and pointer finger while he sleeps — and occasionally, he gets ahold of my hair and rubs it like that all night. I wake up with giant knots in my hair that take forever to brush out!"
17. "I learned that for some reason, when my husband drops food on the floor, he doesn't pick it up. He'll see that a splotch of barbecue sauce fell on the floor or counter, and he'll just walk away!"
"It’s so weird because he’s not a messy person!"
18. "I discovered that my ex-husband would fight zombies in his sleep. He'd be kicking and talking in his sleep, and in the morning he'd explain he was fighting zombies."
19. "I learned that my husband just stands around doing nothing for like 5–10 minutes at a time. I'll wake up and see him just standing in the middle of the bedroom, staring. Not on his phone, not listening to music, not watching TV, just staring. It's like something out of a demon possession movie!"
"He says he's just thinking really hard about things sometimes, but after three years, it still scares me every time I catch him doing it."
—Makailah Griffith, Facebook
20. "I learned that my husband needs to have something heavy on top of him when he sleeps. As soon as we got married, he insisted that I put my leg on top of him so he could sleep!"
21. "My mom told me that she learned my dad was a sleep-talker when he was napping on the couch during the day once and he all of a sudden said, 'And that's how you make a mess of monkey guts!'"
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.