Parenthood can be — among other things — seriously, hysterically random.
Well, the dads of Twitter have a lot of hilarious things to say about it, and they aren't holding back, not even a little bit:
1.
Parenthood is seeing how many times you can say "let me think about it" with the hope that your kid forgets to ask again
2.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 11 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
3.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
4.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
5.
Excellent news! My 9YO is half way done sharing her dream which she started narrating last Monday
6.
My son, 7, has discovered “deez nuts” jokes and it’s all he says now. Everything is deez nuts. He simply can’t stop. I asked him where he heard that joke. He made me promise that if he told me, he wouldn’t get in trouble. I agreed. So he leans in and whispers, “deez nuts.”
7.
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are--find the time to microwave that shit.
8.
My 7yo is angry and says he’s not talking for the entire weekend but he’s got my wife’s DNA so haha ain’t no way that’s happening.
9.
Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.
10.
My 4yo asked me what I’m getting him for my birthday tomorrow. This is how the argument started.
11.
my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.
12.
The best parenting tool is fruit snacks, those are little bags of shut the heck up.
13.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor* Me: You can't just leave your dinosaurs everywhere. 7-year-old: It was their planet first.
14.
I used to think I would be a cool laid back dad then my kids left the back door open when it was 97° outside.
15.
At a kid’s party yesterday I quickly realised I’m not fit enough to be the fun dad
16.
My daughter made a list of what she and her friend are going to do on their sleepover and the last two activities are “eat hot Cheetos” and “eat normal Cheetos.” This must be what it means to Party Responsibly.
17.
[Watching our kids play] My wife: They are so weird, right? Me: I don't even notice anymore.
18.
7YO: Can I eat an ice cream? Me: And who has a sore throat? 7YO: It’ll cure my throat like an inside ice pack
19.
My 3yo asked if I could please turn the baby down because he can’t hear the tv
20.
8-year-old: *makes a blanket fort* Me: How can you do that when you claim you can't make your bed? 8: They're different skills.
21.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
22.
Every day of school: Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP Kids: Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP Kids: 6 AM, every day of summer break: Kids [standing by my bed]: We're bored.
23.
I told my 2 little girls that I didn't want to play Hide & Seek, and long story short, I'm playing dress up in a Tinker Bell outfit.
24.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
25.
Getting a kid to leave a waterpark is like getting a drunk friend to leave the bar at closing time, they always have a reason to stretch it out
26.
My wife: *inspecting her makeup* I should have used more concealer around my mouth. 12-year-old: I'm pretty sure they're they're going to know you have a mouth.
27.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
28.
"could one of you people come here?" - my 7yo, to the mother and father that have cared for him since birth
29.
Trampoline not causing enough injuries? Try putting a sprinkler under it!
30.
My neighbour’s kid just came home with a recorder so the next time I see my neighbour he’ll be a broken man
31.
You can't break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
32.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
33.
Shoutout to my phone for serving me up a music montage of my kids’ baby pics out of nowhere, I was definitely hoping to cry during lunch
34.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
35.
Microdose death by letting a teenager drive.
36.
A young child's vow to live with their mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives is the most heart-warming of threats.
37.
Might need to schedule a DNA test for these kids, neither one likes Nutella
38.
Make your kid feel good about their artwork by telling them you’re gonna need a second fridge
39.
When your kids eat pancakes, do they pour the syrup on the floor first or the table
40.
We were driving home when "Bohemian Rapsody" came on the radio. What the song said: Monstrosity. What my 8-year-old heard: Warm sausage tea. The lyrics have been updated to her version for all future car singalongs.