Skip To Content
  • Viral badge

33 Marriage Tweets That Did Not Mean To Make Me Laugh Like This

"Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway, then argue about who was at fault."

We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are so hilarious it hurts:


Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway and then argue about who was at fault.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


The worst thing you can do when you are in a fight with your wife is fall asleep easily that night.

Twitter: @simoncholland


I used my husbands body wash and now I can’t stop checking the lawn and yelling for my keys

Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


My wife asked me not to forget something and I said okay, and we both just laughed and laughed.

Twitter: @TheBoydP


Husband: I saw a friend of yours at the store. Me: Which one? What did she look like? H: Me: H: Me: She have big boobs? H: That’s the one.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


I wrote my husband’s anniversary card on the toilet and that should tell you all you need to know about 12 years of marriage

Twitter: @MumInBits


Wife: Stop making that horrible noise. Me: I was singing. Wife: My statement stands.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


My wife has had so many Amazon deliveries today that I set a place at the dinner table for the UPS guy.

Twitter: @RodLacroix


My husband sent me a text asking what happened to our savings account so I sent him back a picture of our kids.

Twitter: @spicydisasterma


Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Twitter: @Chhapiness


I keep my marriage fresh by unveiling a new personality every few years.

Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


Me & my wife, 5 minutes into a movie after we finally get the kids to bed

Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


60% of married life is waiting for your seated spouse to stand up so you can remain seated and get whatever you need now delivered to you.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


*me following my husband from room to room telling him everything I’ve just learned about penguins*

Twitter: @BeingUpile


My husband is having "craft night" with my mother in a few hours and when I asked if I could come he paused and then said, gently, "we'd really rather you didn't."

Twitter: @EliMcCann


My husband just used our personal lube to keep a door from squeaking in case you’re wondering about new ways to spice up your own marriage

Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


wife: what did i ask you to do? me: buy the name-brand repellent wife: and what did you do? me: i bought the cheap stuff wife: you bought the cheap stuff me: it was half the- wife: and what do we have now? me: *sigh* we have elephants wife: we have elephants

Twitter: @UncleDuke1969


WIFE: so where are we going to eat? ME: you pick, choose whatever you want WIFE: but i’m better at just saying no to your suggestions

Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer


Get married so you can passive aggressively give your spouse the janky silverware at dinner when you're mad.

Twitter: @LizerReal


It's 97° and my wife left the house carrying a hoodie, "just in case."

Twitter: @Social_Mime


When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


Me: My husband spent half an hour shitting in our bathroom. I then had to go brush my teeth in said bathroom. Judge: Divorce granted.

Twitter: @pro_worrier_


it's adorable, my husband thinks i worked out but i just have the face sweats from eating salt and vinegar chips

Twitter: @LizerReal


Her: Do that thing I like. Me: *leaves the house and takes the kids with me.

Twitter: @SladeWentworth


Husband: Want to fool around? Me: I’m busy. Give me a few minutes. [a few minutes later] Husband:

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


my husband broke a bottle of cologne in the master bathroom and now the whole house smells like burt reynolds in the 1970s

Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab


I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Twitter: @3sunzzz


My husband told me he got to the gold championship in a video game and I had to fake enthusiasm and I can’t believe my husband has to do this every time I get a haircut.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Is your spouse mature or do they run by and pull down your pants anytime you’re wearing sweats and your hands are full?

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


My husband lovingly calling the roomba bro-bot is not something I was mentally prepared for

Twitter: @pro_worrier_


My husband asked me to get the toothpaste he likes from the grocery store like I’m somehow expected to know this after only 13 years of marriage.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Occasionally I rearrange our throw pillows so my husband has something new to learn.

Twitter: @3sunzzz


My husband and I made a deal that whoever gets out of bed first makes the coffee. I’ve been in bed with my eyes closed for 2 months.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy

If you think these husbands and wives are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

BuzzFeed Daily

Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!

Newsletter signup form