We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are so hilarious it hurts:
1.
Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway and then argue about who was at fault.
2.
The worst thing you can do when you are in a fight with your wife is fall asleep easily that night.
3.
I used my husbands body wash and now I can’t stop checking the lawn and yelling for my keys
4.
My wife asked me not to forget something and I said okay, and we both just laughed and laughed.
5.
Husband: I saw a friend of yours at the store. Me: Which one? What did she look like? H: Me: H: Me: She have big boobs? H: That’s the one.
6.
I wrote my husband’s anniversary card on the toilet and that should tell you all you need to know about 12 years of marriage
7.
Wife: Stop making that horrible noise. Me: I was singing. Wife: My statement stands.
8.
My wife has had so many Amazon deliveries today that I set a place at the dinner table for the UPS guy.
9.
My husband sent me a text asking what happened to our savings account so I sent him back a picture of our kids.
10.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
11.
I keep my marriage fresh by unveiling a new personality every few years.
12.
Me & my wife, 5 minutes into a movie after we finally get the kids to bed
13.
60% of married life is waiting for your seated spouse to stand up so you can remain seated and get whatever you need now delivered to you.
14.
*me following my husband from room to room telling him everything I’ve just learned about penguins*
15.
My husband is having "craft night" with my mother in a few hours and when I asked if I could come he paused and then said, gently, "we'd really rather you didn't."
16.
My husband just used our personal lube to keep a door from squeaking in case you’re wondering about new ways to spice up your own marriage
17.
wife: what did i ask you to do? me: buy the name-brand repellent wife: and what did you do? me: i bought the cheap stuff wife: you bought the cheap stuff me: it was half the- wife: and what do we have now? me: *sigh* we have elephants wife: we have elephants
18.
WIFE: so where are we going to eat? ME: you pick, choose whatever you want WIFE: but i’m better at just saying no to your suggestions
19.
Get married so you can passive aggressively give your spouse the janky silverware at dinner when you're mad.
20.
It's 97° and my wife left the house carrying a hoodie, "just in case."
21.
When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.
22.
Me: My husband spent half an hour shitting in our bathroom. I then had to go brush my teeth in said bathroom. Judge: Divorce granted.
23.
it's adorable, my husband thinks i worked out but i just have the face sweats from eating salt and vinegar chips
24.
Her: Do that thing I like. Me: *leaves the house and takes the kids with me.
25.
Husband: Want to fool around? Me: I’m busy. Give me a few minutes. [a few minutes later] Husband:
26.
my husband broke a bottle of cologne in the master bathroom and now the whole house smells like burt reynolds in the 1970s
27.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
28.
My husband told me he got to the gold championship in a video game and I had to fake enthusiasm and I can’t believe my husband has to do this every time I get a haircut.
29.
Is your spouse mature or do they run by and pull down your pants anytime you’re wearing sweats and your hands are full?
30.
My husband lovingly calling the roomba bro-bot is not something I was mentally prepared for
31.
My husband asked me to get the toothpaste he likes from the grocery store like I’m somehow expected to know this after only 13 years of marriage.
32.
Occasionally I rearrange our throw pillows so my husband has something new to learn.
33.
My husband and I made a deal that whoever gets out of bed first makes the coffee. I’ve been in bed with my eyes closed for 2 months.