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    50 Ruthlessly Funny Married People I'm So, So Glad Are On Twitter

    "My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys."

    Anyone who's married can tell you, there are highs, lows, and some seriously hilarious in-betweens.

    So it's a good thing we have the seriously funny husbands and wives on Twitter to sum it up in all its hilarity:


    yes I believe in traditional marriage: one person explains the day’s most unhinged tweets and the other wishes it would stop

    Twitter: @lolennui


    My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    I sent my wife this pic to show her I finally cleared out the box of random cords in the basement. In marriage, this counts as a sext.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Every marriage has one person who reports whenever a celebrity dies and one person who says “oh.”

    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    Secret to a successful marriage is to never let your spouse find out that you’ve had a good night’s sleep

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    Wife: Whatcha thinking about? Me: I was just wondering if Harry Potter puts on a condom or just uses a spell, like “Erectus Protectus” or something Wife: You’d think I would know better by now

    Twitter: @PoodleSnarf


    My husband wants me to work out with him I wish he’d just ask for a divorce like a normal person

    Twitter: @pro_worrier_


    The transmission went out in my husband’s car and it would seem that’s not the ideal time to remind him that he was offered an extended warranty countless times

    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog - my husband, romancing me

    Twitter: @PrincesaBallena


    My wife texted me her idea. I tried to reply "excellent," but my phone changed it to "excrement." You're all invited to my funeral.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    All I have to do is throw the word “Garage“ into any sentence and I instantly have my husband’s attention.

    Twitter: @ddsmidt


    wife: I feel like we should talk about this me: [eating chili in bed while using old sweatpants as a napkin] about what

    Twitter: @GrantTanaka


    my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

    Twitter: @blaireerskine


    I’m an introvert, whereas my husband wants to become friends with someone because they drive the same car as us.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Please help settle an argument between me and my wife: I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller She says it's more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

    Twitter: @WheelTod


    Me: I can’t find my phone Husband: want me to call it? Me: Why would my ringer be on like some psychopath that answers phone calls?

    Twitter: @LMemeit


    The laws of marriage state that whenever there is a police car on your street, you must drop what you’re doing, alert your spouse, and speculate about the reason for its presence.

    Twitter: @copymama


    How many throw pillows do you see in this picture? ~My wife designing a captcha

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my… *Husband brings entire purse*

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    my wife’s face when i start to answer a question she intended as rhetorical

    Twitter: @UncleDuke1969


    Dating: I’m not wearing any panties, baby. Married: I’m not wearing any panties because you forgot to do the laundry again.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My wife just screamed, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU?!” What a weird way to start a conversation.

    Twitter: @mariana057


    Me- *Falling off a cliff* My husband- *yelling down* Hey hun could you shout out where you last saw my keys?

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    last night I dreamt my husband and I were having a series of threesomes and I was woke up and told him I was mad and he was like “why, was I paying more attention to the thirds” and I had to tell him it was because he kept offering the thirds a snack

    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl


    Sometimes my wife makes me mad and I'll sneak in our bedroom and pull the fitted sheet out from under her corner of the mattress.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    As my wife kissed us goodbye and headed out for her "girls' trip," she said, "I hope the house is as clean as I left it when I get back." I should just check into a hotel with the kids for the weekend, right?

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    [At a restaurant] Me: I'm getting the chicken Caesar salad. Husband: I think I'll get the wings. Me: Those don't come with fries. Husband: I know. Me: Husband: Me: But...whose fries am I going to eat?!

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    Wife: Are you busy? Me: *watching a nine-part video on how to lay siege to a medieval castle* Yes.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Sometimes being married means being in trouble for not responding to a text she never sent.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    Husband: How much do you love me? Me: *gives him my last french fry*

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    Since I work from home my husband likes to randomly make Alexa blast Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” throughout the house. And that was fun to explain to a judge this week during my zoom hearing.

    Twitter: @EliMcCann


    I don't watch tons of HGTV, but I like to watch just enough to make my husband nervous

    Twitter: @LoveNLunchmeat


    Wife’s working from the same room, so I’m trying really hard to act busy and seem important on work calls

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    I asked my husband where the rest of the M&Ms were and he said he finished them earlier then we laughed and laughed as I pushed him out the house and locked the door

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

    Twitter: @MediocreMamaa


    If anything happens to me and I die, please don't tell my husband how many times I've used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

    Twitter: @LoveNLunchmeat


    Marriage: I didn’t even notice you were gone. Also marriage: You were in the bathroom for 17 minutes and 24 seconds.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Secret to a successful marriage is watching a Netflix series together in the living room, and then on your individual phones in the bedroom

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    My husband, talking about bowling: Do you even know what I'm talking about? Me: Sweetie, this is marriage. I just nod and smile every 40 seconds when you talk about bowling.

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    If my wife doesn’t like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I'm left to clean up.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    I thought I was irritated with my husband but it turns out my bra was too tight.

    Twitter: @3sunzzz


    I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

    Twitter: @PrincesaBallena


    This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

    Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


    M: I read that couples who are happily married can finish each other's- H: -sandwiches. M: *sigh*

    Twitter: @3sunzzz

    If you think these husbands and wives are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!