We rounded up some of the funniest recent tweets from married women we could find, and they prove that when wives tweet, they hold absolutely nothing back, and it's hilarious as hell:
1.
Me: Do you remember what today is? Husband:
2.
My husband woke me up at 4:30 this morning frantically looking for his keys that I then found in the dish where we keep our keys.
3.
My husband just told me he wants a divorce. Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to
4.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
5.
My husband puts the mustard on the refrigerator shelves instead of the side door caddy. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CONDIMENTS GO IN THE SIDE DOOR CADDY. JESUS CHRIST, TODD!!
6.
I’ve been married for over 10 years I shave my legs for my freshly cleaned sheets not my husband
7.
Husband: Does it bother you when I — Me: Yes.
8.
I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I asked my husband to tell me about the workouts he does at the gym.
9.
My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.
10.
There’s nothing my husband loves more than when I save up all the bad news I’ve been hearing all day and then fling it at him the second he walks through the door.
11.
Hallmark needs to come out with some real talk anniversary cards. I’m needing something that says, "I'm just as surprised as you are that we’re still together.”
12.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
13.
Husband: We should talk about the credit card bill. Me: Unfriend H: This isn’t Facebook. Me: Block H: This isn’t Twitter. Me: SWIPE LEFT.
14.
I’ve realized I’m at the point in my marriage where I assume that any time my husband disappears, he’s probably off taking a shit. If he ever goes missing I’m going to be on the news like: Reporter: You didn’t look for him for two days Me: I figured he was REALLY constipated
15.
My husband just picked his socks up off the floor so I guess he wants sex now.
16.
*patting my husband’s quarantine belly* I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy
17.
Me: *Gazes lovingly at my husband on our honeymoon* Husband: *Chews his food with his mouth open* Me: Well, we had a good run.
18.
My husband and I have gone on a diet together and it has brought us so much closer to divorce.
19.
I needed some alone time so I asked my husband if he thought we should have another baby
20.
The silent treatment would work way better if my husband didn’t actually enjoy it.
21.
My husband and I are meeting at Costco after he leaves work. This is like a date now.
22.
I playfully compared my husband to his father and we laughed and laughed. Then he playfully compared me to my mother and we laughed and laughed as he set up his bed on the couch.