25 Hysterically Ruthless Marriage Tweets That Made Me Laugh Way Harder Than I Should Have
"So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other."
We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they proved that marriage is for better, for worse, and for "hilarious as hell":
1.
ENGAGED: Netflix & Chill MARRIED: Netflix & WHERE IS THE REMOTE? ARE YOU SITTING ON THE REMOTE? GET UP.
2.
Secret to a successful marriage is to never let your spouse find out that you’ve had a good night’s sleep
3.
Overheard my 7 year old daughter say, “That doesn’t go there” to my husband while loading the dishwasher and I’ve never been more proud.
4.
So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other.
5.
My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.
6.
Me: I'm so full. Wife: Then stop eating. Me: That's not how this works.
7.
Get married so you can argue about the correct way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
8.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios??? Me: ... Wife: ... Me: *drinks water*
9.
She'll fart in the grocery store and leave me to accept the blame, THAT'S my wife
10.
Husband: Why are you in such a bad mood? Me: What makes you think I am? Husband: You don’t have a single candle lit.
11.
My husband and I do this role play where I tell him the things that need to be fixed around the house and he pretends it’s his first time hearing this.
12.
[sitting around a bonfire] Friend: This is so peaceful My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
13.
Me and my husband pass candies to each other like drug dealers so our kids don't see
14.
My husband just walked by and burped while I was on speakerphone with the IRS. I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do right now.
15.
Wife: is that what you’re wearing? Me: I guess not.
16.
Me when my husband turns the thermostat down by one degree
17.
Me staring out the window drinking scotch: I can't talk to you right now Wife holding monopoly piece: jesus fine you can be the top hat
18.
Me: this vitamin C serum is amazing I love it Husband: bet you’d love some vitamin D serum too Me: no
19.
![[Dating]
Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK!
[Marriage]
Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1343381449068711939/vWZs8tWh_normal.jpg)
[Dating] Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK! [Marriage] Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.
20.
“So I found this on Pinterest...” -words a husband never wants to hear
21.
*in bed* Wife: *puts her hand on my hip* hey baby Me: *excitedly* yes? Wife: roll over on your side so your snoring doesn't keep me up all fucking night
22.
45% of a happy marriage is being out of the bathroom when she’s ready to go in.
23.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
24.
“I’m mad that you’re mad that I’m mad.” ~marriage
25.
Wife: We have so much laundry to fold. Me: I know. [long pause] Wife: Should we fold it? Me: Don't jump to any crazy conclusions.