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    25 Hysterically Ruthless Marriage Tweets That Made Me Laugh Way Harder Than I Should Have

    "So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other."

    We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they proved that marriage is for better, for worse, and for "hilarious as hell":

    1.

    ENGAGED: Netflix & Chill MARRIED: Netflix & WHERE IS THE REMOTE? ARE YOU SITTING ON THE REMOTE? GET UP.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec

    2.

    Secret to a successful marriage is to never let your spouse find out that you’ve had a good night’s sleep

    Twitter: @Chhapiness

    3.

    Overheard my 7 year old daughter say, “That doesn’t go there” to my husband while loading the dishwasher and I’ve never been more proud.

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz

    4.

    So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other.

    Twitter: @EliMcCann

    5.

    My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy

    6.

    Me: I'm so full. Wife: Then stop eating. Me: That's not how this works.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

    7.

    Get married so you can argue about the correct way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy

    8.

    Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios??? Me: ... Wife: ... Me: *drinks water*

    Twitter: @squirrel74wkgn

    9.

    She'll fart in the grocery store and leave me to accept the blame, THAT'S my wife

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man

    10.

    Husband: Why are you in such a bad mood? Me: What makes you think I am? Husband: You don’t have a single candle lit.

    Twitter: @Darlainky

    11.

    My husband and I do this role play where I tell him the things that need to be fixed around the house and he pretends it’s his first time hearing this.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec

    12.

    [sitting around a bonfire] Friend: This is so peaceful My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

    Twitter: @squirrel74wkgn

    13.

    Me and my husband pass candies to each other like drug dealers so our kids don't see

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings

    14.

    My husband just walked by and burped while I was on speakerphone with the IRS. I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do right now.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy

    15.

    Wife: is that what you’re wearing? Me: I guess not.

    Twitter: @simoncholland

    16.

    Me when my husband turns the thermostat down by one degree

    Twitter: @graceupongracie

    17.

    Me staring out the window drinking scotch: I can't talk to you right now Wife holding monopoly piece: jesus fine you can be the top hat

    Twitter: @ArfMeasures

    18.

    Me: this vitamin C serum is amazing I love it Husband: bet you’d love some vitamin D serum too Me: no

    Twitter: @VisionBored1

    19.

    [Dating] Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK! [Marriage] Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut

    20.

    “So I found this on Pinterest...” -words a husband never wants to hear

    Twitter: @_goaskyourdad_

    21.

    *in bed* Wife: *puts her hand on my hip* hey baby Me: *excitedly* yes? Wife: roll over on your side so your snoring doesn't keep me up all fucking night

    Twitter: @SvnSxty

    22.

    45% of a happy marriage is being out of the bathroom when she’s ready to go in.

    Twitter: @SladeWentworth

    23.

    My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

    Twitter: @Darlainky

    24.

    “I’m mad that you’re mad that I’m mad.” ~marriage

    Twitter: @mommajessiec

    25.

    Wife: We have so much laundry to fold. Me: I know. [long pause] Wife: Should we fold it? Me: Don't jump to any crazy conclusions.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

    If you think these husbands and wives are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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