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33 Seriously Funny Married People Who Are So Brutally Hysterical On Twitter Someone Needs To Stop Them

"I love when my husband says, 'Correct me if I'm wrong,' like I would ever pass up that opportunity."

We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are blaringly funny:


I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Twitter: @MumOfTw0


Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.

Twitter: @thedad


My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Twitter: @ddsmidt


Marriage is amazing because you learn lots of things about yourself. For example, today I learned that my favorite shade of beige curtains is I DON’T CARE PLEASE JUST PICK ONE I’M IN HELL

Twitter: @daddygofish


DATING: Goodnight ENGAGED: Sweet dreams MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.

Twitter: @simoncholland


Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids


The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Twitter: @MedusaOusa


Establish dominance in your marriage by watching all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls under your husband's Netflix profile

Twitter: @AnAppleHat


My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


My wife has this cute way of saying I need to do something by saying we need to do something.

Twitter: @Social_Mime


I'm your wife. You might remember me from such hits as "We are leaving in two minutes" and its sequel "Why are you in the shower?"

Twitter: @sarcasticmommy4


So i just learned after 27 years of “umm…sure i guess so, yeah but the other one looked nice too” i have been fired as my wife’s fashion consultant and my daughter now has that job

Twitter: @bader_diedrich


Asked my husband if he’d put air in my tire and he started explaining how to do it like he’s never been married to me before.

Twitter: @bekindofwitty


marriage is between two people, one who falls asleep with TV volume on low and one who wants it blaringly loud

Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl


Behind every great man is a better woman, just don't tell his wife

Twitter: @sonictyrant


My husband misses a lot of really good conversations I have with him in my head.

Twitter: @MumOfTw0


IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this tv stand?

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Apparently after your wife finishes a pint of ice cream the correct response is not "holy shit I've never been able to finish a whole pint".

Twitter: @dadmann_walking


Married couples be like I’m gonna tolerate the shit out of you tonight

Twitter: @AnnaDoesntWant2


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Twitter: @simoncholland


Husband: What should we do today? Me: It’s up to you. Husband: Beach? Me: No. Husband: Movie? Me: No. Husband: Museum? Me: No. Husband: Then what do you want to do? Me: I don’t care. You choose.

Twitter: @sixfootcandy


My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.

Twitter: @Social_Mime


Netflix needs a Movies Your Husband Will Fall Asleep To So You Can Watch The Lindsay Lohan Christmas Movie category.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


Me: Which ones do you think will make me jump higher? Wife: OMG you’re 44 years old, just pick a pair of shoes already.

Twitter: @simoncholland


My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I'm having an affair.

Twitter: @3sunzzz


Marriage can be such a rollercoaster. One minute you're reminiscing over your wedding photos and the next you're asking your partner to please breathe more quietly.

Twitter: @AnAppleHat


What do you say when you apologize to your wife and she asks, “for what”

Twitter: @Chhapiness


I once showed my husband a tweet and he read it out loud starting with the person’s username and date it was tweeted and I’ve never really recovered from that.

Twitter: @mommajessiec


My husband ate all the good Halloween candy and now I have to look for a divorce lawyer

Twitter: @reallifemommy3


my wife is getting the Christmas decorations out. I heard a loud crash and a "ah shit!". I feel the Christmas spirit.

Twitter: @dadmann_walking

If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!