19 Totally Funny Childbirth Stories That'll Make You Disinvite Your Doctor
All that training out the damn window.
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the funniest thing that happened while they were in labor, and the strange things their doctors, nurses, and midwives did are enough to leave you laughing for days:
1. "A resident came in to check my dilation, and we started talking. Well, she must not have been paying much attention to where her hands were, because before I knew it, her fingers were up my BUTTHOLE! When she realized it, she was so mortified that we didn't see her again for the remainder of our time at the hospital."
2. "After I pushed out my placenta, my OB handed it to a student doctor who'd been observing. But the student was so nervous that he couldn't get a grip on it, and it slipped out of his hands, dropping onto the ground with a big 'SPLAT'! My OB yelled at him, 'PICK THAT UPPPPPP!'"
3. "After delivering my son, I asked my nurse how he was doing and she replied, 'He's perfect — two balls and a penis!' I couldn't stop laughing."
4. "My midwife left me while I was in labor because a new episode of Grey's Anatomy was on. When she returned, she didn't even ask about my condition or the baby's. Instead, she said — in a very somber manner — that McDreamy was dead."
5. "I had to be induced, so my nurses hooked up an IV drip of the labor-inducing medicine. We waited and waited, but nothing was happening. It wasn't until the next day, when we noticed a small puddle under my IV bags, that we realized they never hooked the bag up to me! It was just dripping on the floor!"
6. "I had complications after my C-section and was panicking. So, the anesthesiologist next to my head began singing 'Gangsta's Paradise' into my ear to calm me down."
7. "My mom told me the nurse was twirling my baby's hair around her fingers while I was crowning."
8. "My son was breech and born via C-section. When my doctor pulled him out, he said, 'Your baby just backed that ass up!' And for the next two days, he cracked himself up over that story, telling it to every new nurse that entered our room."
9. "After I gave birth, my doctor was stitching me up and we were chatting. She must've gotten distracted because when she was done, she let go of the forceps she was using to realize she had stitched them onto me by accident!"
10. "My baby came out so fast that the doctor and nurse high-fived each other and said, 'Easy money!'"
11. "A medical student came in to observe my labor with my second child, and stood at the end of my bed BAWLING HER EYES OUT the whole time. Apparently, she'd never seen a live birth in person before!"
12. "I had to be induced, which meant having a medication inserted vaginally. It was painful and I was sore, so when it was time to remove it, I freaked out — especially when a 6-foot tall 'robust' nurse entered the room. I looked at her very full hands and pleaded, 'No, no, no, no, no, no, anyone but you!' She leaned in my face and said, 'I don't want to be all up in your coochie just as much as you don't want me all up in your coochie...but this baby gotta come out!'"
13. "I was in the fetal position receiving an epidural when my chatty nurse told a joke to make me more comfortable. Well, she started laughing at her own joke and spat her gum onto my breast. She was mortified."
14. "A group of nursing students were observing my doctor's techniques, when I pushed with all my might and a huge stream of endometrial fluid shot several feet across the room. One of the nursing students was coated head-to-toe, and she immediately began freaking out and crying, 'OH MY GOD!'. I snapped my head up and yelled, 'Do you mind?! I'm trying to have a baby!'"
15. "When my son was born, my nurse didn't say, 'It's a boy.' Instead, the first thing she said was, 'Wow, those are big feet!'"
16. "I hated my nurse because she was super judgmental about me waiting to get an epidural until the pain was too much. Well, at one point, my anesthesiologist's iodine bag accidentally burst open and spilled all over the floor, and my nurse walked right through it. She slipped so hard that her feet went over her head. My husband and I couldn't stop laughing."
17. "A nurse literally JUMPED ON MY STOMACH and started pushing my daughter down towards my vagina. Very awkward, but the baby popped right out!"
18. "My doctor and husband are both named Terry. While I was in labor, I asked my husband to hand me something — saying 'Terry' — and my doctor looked at me with his nose in the air saying, 'Please don't call me by my first name.' When I explained that I was talking to my husband, he was embarrassed."
19. "My doctor asked if a very excited 'doctor-in-training' could observe my childbirth, and I replied, 'Yeah, why not? He has to learn.' Well, right when I started to crown, THIS MAN PASSED OUT! I wonder what he does for a living now..."
Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.