1. "I was changing my baby, and I lifted his feet to wipe his butt. Well, at the same time, I happened to yawn, and he fired hot, vicious baby shit STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH like a Super Soaker on full blast!"
2. "I was trying to be healthy and creative with feeding my kids vegetables. So I fed the baby 'zoodles' (zucchini noodles). Well, apparently, they didn't digest well, and I ended up having to pull a whole 'zoodle' out of my son's butthole."
3. "My younger brother somehow got a piece of chewed gum stuck to the tip of his penis. I spent about 30 minutes trying to peel it off, while he screamed. We were both traumatized."
4. "I had to make a bowl with my hands while my toddler projectile-vomited into them at a restaurant."
5. "One morning, I woke up and overheard my 1-year-old son say, 'Yummy, chocolate!' So I went into his room, and there was poop everywhere — on the walls, his crib, his sheets, his chest, in his hair, and all over his face. I didn't know what to do, so I just laughed and cried hysterically. That's when he smiled...and I saw that IT WAS ON HIS TEETH!"
"He’s now 14, and I’m saving the story for his wedding day."
6. "My son shoved some green bean puree´ up his nose, and I had to suck it out with a Nose Frida."
7. "I used to put my kids' dirty diapers outside the front door so that the house wouldn't stink, and one day my Pomeranian found one of the diapers, and totally went ham on it! I opened up my front door to find the diaper torn into shreds, and his cute little face buried in baby poo. Grossest mess I've ever had to clean up."
8. "My 6-month-old nephew had just learned how to 'give kisses,' which was him just sticking his whole mouth over whatever he's trying to kiss. Well, he put his whole mouth over my nose and sneezed...into my nose."
9. "My 2-year-old daughter ran into the living room and opened her little tiny hand, saying, 'Here, Mommy.' I opened my hand, expecting her to hand me a small toy or piece of cereal. Instead, she dropped a fresh turd in my hand."
"Then, she looked me directly in the eyes and said, 'I took the poop out of my diaper, so you don't have to change me.' Two years later, I still won't accept anything from her closed fist unless I see it first."
10. "My son once wiped his runny nose on my nose, leaving the outside of my nose covered in baby snot. Apparently, I didn't get it all off when I cleaned it because I found crusted-on baby boogers several hours later."
11. "My daughter was a few months old when she started getting constipated. Well, a friend of ours told us about the 'Q-tip' trick — sticking the tip in her tush to help. I did, and the poop flowed out like a soft-serve machine!"
12. "I recently found a sippy cup of milk in my toddler's play tent. I thought it was from that afternoon, but I was so, so wrong. The milk was fully curdled, and the assault on my nostrils was far worse than the worst blowout diaper."
13. "Once my son swallowed a nickel, and I sorted through his poop for four days looking for it. Never found it, but trust me — you never know how much crap stinks until you sift through it!"
14. "My daughter likes to shove a lot of food in her mouth, chew it, and then make me hold my hand out so she can spit the food into it."
15. "My oldest used to poop in the bathtub daily, like clockwork. I eventually started keeping an old spaghetti scooper and a bottle of bleach under the bathroom sink."
16. "My 18-month-old got the stomach flu and vomited directly down my shirt. Yup, I had a DD cup's worth of puke on me."
17. "My 2-year-old had developed the habit of following me to the bathroom and sticking her hand in the toilet while it was flushing. But it was when she LITERALLY GRABBED MY POOP OUT MID-FLUSH and squished it between her fingers that I decided she wasn't allowed in the bathroom with me anymore."
Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.