Who Is Matt Bellassai Really Actually?

The man, the mystery, the Matt.

For years we've all wondered the same thing,

Who is Matt Bellassai? Where did he come from? Why is he here? In a rare series of interviews with BuzzFeed, Matt Bellassai finally sits down and tells us in his own words who he is, actually.

The following quotes are all taken from Matt's responses to the emails welcoming each fellow class to BuzzFeed dot com, the website.

October 8, 2013

"Matt joined BuzzFeed as a member of the first class of fellows in September 2012 and quickly earned the Tommy Wesley Distinction for "worst mistake BuzzFeed has ever made" after posting one too many allegedly inappropriate photoshopped pictures of Tommy in the fellows chat room. Matt currently spends his days compiling exhaustive lists of imagined gay relationships for BuzzFeed dot com, the website. He resides in Brooklyn with his pet iguana, Pasquale. Nice to meet you."

January 8, 2014

"Matt Bellassai joined BuzzFeed in September 2012 after capturing Tommy Wesely in several comprising positions with the hit 90s toy The Koosh Ball and using those horrific images as blackmail (inquire for evidence within). Matt spends his days eating without breathing, putting his bare feet on countertops, and stalking boyband member and legal 19-year-old Harry Styles for BuzzFeed dot com, the website. He lives in Brooklyn with three guiniea pigs born to different fathers but the same guinea pig mother."

January 27, 2014

"Matt joined BuzzFeed in September 2003 after catching Tommy Wesely dealing salvia to underage teens in Central Park and using that evidence as blackmail. He spends his days building a small city out of chewed gum under his desk, stealing rolls of toilet paper from the women's bathroom, and sniffing magazine covers featuring soon-to-be 20-year-old ADULT MALE Harry Styles. He lives in Brooklyn with three gay chincillas and one bicurious hamster."

April 30, 2014

"Matt Bellassai hails from a small suburb to the south of Chicago, Illinois, where they manufacture the mechanism that keep vibrators from overheating during use. He went to college in Evanston, Illinois, and majored in animal studies, writing his doctoral thesis on the sex lives of obese grassland squirrels. He moved to New York and joined BuzzFeed dot com the website after Ben Smith saw him in the window of a Brooklyn storefront, breast-feeding a litter of baby raccoons. You can follow him on Twitter at @MattBellassai."

July 14, 2014

"Matt was born and raised on a small farm in the tiny British town of Worcestershiresauce, but was disowned by his family in his formative years after refusing to slaughter the family pigs, insisting instead on teaching them to runway walk in the style of Naomi Campbell (NOT Tyra Banks). After leaving the family farm, Matt spent his teenage years wandering the British countryside, working for coins by selling homoerotic One Direction fan art to devoted homeless fangirl communities. He was discovered by Ben Smith on a cold, stormy night, clutching a Harry Styles poster against his naked chest — desperate but not yet defeated. Matt has worked for BuzzFeed for almost two years. He currently lives on a guinea pig ranch in Brooklyn, New York, where his pupils have been much more receptive to the methods of runway fashion."

Matt Bellassai, a true American hero.