Double Stuff Healthy Girl: 22 Dysfunctional Moments From A Fitness Newbie

So I can't bite a Whopper in a sit-up position? Can't I cake like Lady Gaga?

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So you join a fitness camp to get into shape and shed off semesters of burgers, booze and other remnants of the "Freshman 15." Then it dawns on you that 1.) you're going to get your ass kicked and 2.) to kiss those Golden Girls "tribute cheesecakes" adios.

What is life without drinking wine and devouring a pepperoni pizza in one setting? Even being a healthy-fat f*ck (i.e. a salad plus an order of fries = balance yet effort) doesn't cut it. Food is Beyonce and I'm the Beyhive. I don't know any better but that all changes.

I'm in week 4 of fitness camp but step into my Nikes as I transition from Superman ice cream to Superman planks.

2. You proclaim finally getting fit in the name of Jane Fonda circa '82. It will be done.

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"I'm going to trade Whoppers for veggie burgers, fries for kale chips, Sour Patch Kids candy for fruit and sex for mediation during Super Soul Sunday. I will evolve like a butterfly with the abs of Janet Jackson and the rump of JLo!"

6. Right before someone comes over, you briefly fantasize Rashida Jones bringing the only thing in life that matters.

9. You lay in bed, body still angry, as your Facebook friends proudly celebrates #NationalDonutDay while you ask God why the world spites you.

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My last wish: cremate me and pour brown sugar in my urn so I can be sweet for all eternity. In the name of Krispy Kreme.

10. You tweet out of desperation to your famous Twitter homie, who voices your spirit animal: Pam Poovey.

@ambercnash Since its#NationalDonutDay & I'm on a diet, feel free to stuff yourself with chocolate donuts + liquor in my honor 🍩🍹

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