Alachua: Gainesville, basically
Altamonte Springs: “The eyesore on I-4”
Anna Maria: Population: >1,000
Apopka: “Indoor Foliage Capital of the World”
Aventura: So many fancy stores in that mall
Boca Raton: Rich Jewish grandmas
Bonita Springs: Hope you like housing developments and golf!
Boynton Beach: AKA Palm Beach
Cape Canaveral: You definitely went on a field trip here
Cape Coral: Buy a house for less than your lunch
Celebration: Kind of creepy TBH
Clearwater: Scientology HQ
Cocoa Beach: That exit you take off I-95 to get to UCF
Coconut Creek: Butterfly World!
Coral Gables: * parks next to car worth more than my life *
Dania Beach: That Boomers wooden roller coaster cannot be safe
Davie: Home to Sparez, the only nice bowling alley within 50 miles
Daytona Beach: Motorcycles and NASCAR
Deerfield Beach: You probably came here to surf that one time in high school
Fort Lauderdale: It’s like 3000 miles wide and 5000 miles long
Fort Myers: * Lincoln Town Car going 30 MPH in the left lane *
Fort Myers Beach: SPRIIIIIIIING BREAAAAAK!!!! * does keg stand at Lani Kai *
Gainesville: Orange and blue, Tim Tebow worshipers, rednecks, Cafe Risqué
Hialeah: Where your driving skills are truly tested
Hollywood: I’m bored so I guess we should roam around Seminole Hard Rock
Homestead: Empty baseball stadium
Jacksonville: Home to the worst football team in Florida (and that’s saying something)
Kendall: Santa’s Enchanted Forest
Key Biscayne: Let’s get wasted on a boat at the Columbus Day Regatta
Key West: Come celebrate Ernest Hemingway’s grand literary tradition of extreme drunkenness
Kissimmee: That place you pass on the way to Disney from SoFla
LaBelle: All cars required by law to have confederate flag bumper stickers
Lake Mary: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Orlando
Marco Island: How long before an old rich white guy just buys the whole island
Miami: Is the Palmetto still under construction? 1% of UM fans actually went to UM.
Miami Beach: 85% normal, 15% art deco & cocaine. Also, Collins Ave.
Miramar: “Johnny Depp went to Miramar High!”
Naples: Ooooh soft white sand
Ocala: mini Gainesville, oranges
Okeechobee: There’s a big lake
Orlando: DISNEY, UNIVERSAL, ETC ETC ETC
Panama City Beach: Drunk college kids make poor life decisions on spring break
Pembroke Pines: Saturday night? Our options are Pembroke Gardens, Muvico, or Walmart.
Pensacola: That city in the panhandle
Pinecrest: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Miami
Plant City: Strawberries for days
Plantation: Broward mall
Port St. Lucie: About halfway between Miami and Orlando
St. Augustine: The oldest city in Florida
St. Cloud: Still have KKK meetings
Sanibel: seafood, rich people, expensive baby stores, shell shops
Sarasota: “My grandparents have a condo in —” “Sarasota?” “Yeah, how’d you know?”
Tallahassee: Garnet and gold, Jameis Winston worshipers, the Capitol building shaped like a penis
Tampa: Strip clubs
Titusville: It’s pronounced “tite-us-ville,” not “tit-us-ville.”
West Palm Beach: Rapids and Lion Country Safari
Weston: Rich people who live off the Royal Palm exit
Winter Park: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Orlando
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