The 31 Most Florida Things That Ever Happened

I accidentally touched my car’s steering wheel at 3 p.m. and now I have to go to the hospital.

1. This DIY license plate:

Level of Florida-ness: Waiting for a flock of ducks to move so you can park your car at Walmart.

2. This roundup of daily stories:

Level of Florida-ness: Eating a man’s face while high on bath salts.

3. This:

Level of Florida-ness: Hurricane days.

4. This gator crossing:

Level of Florida-ness: Wearing flip-flops to school.

5. This ATM drive-thru:

Level of Florida-ness: Grabbing the early bird special at Perkins.

6. This warning sign:

Level of Florida-ness: Smuggling cheap alcohol into your senior Grad Nite trip at Disney.

(RIP Grad Nite)

7. This hitchhiker:

Level of Florida-ness: Packing a Publix sub every time you take a trip to the beach.

8. This car:

Level of Florida-ness: Chiseling the carcasses of love bugs off your windshield each morning.

9. This:

Level of Florida-ness: A pet store roach-eating contest.

10. This woman who got stuck on a bridge:

Level of Florida-ness: Having an annual pass for Disney or Universal Studios.

11. This logic:

Level of Florida-ness: Taking the FCAT.

12. This piece of hard news:

Level of Florida-ness: Pitbull.

13. These gas station customers:

Level of Florida-ness: Seeing an anti-abortion billboard on the turnpike.

14. This floating drive-in theater:

Level of Florida-ness: Going to the Everglades to watch a man wrestle alligators.

15. This street:

Level of Florida-ness: Messing up election votes and having to do a recount.

16. This plastic surgery ad:

Level of Florida-ness: Trying to figure out if that bug you see is a palmetto or a roach.

17. Leaving your phone in the car for 15 minutes.

Level of Florida-ness: Knowing nothing about Clearwater besides it being the home of Scientology headquarters.

18. This:

Level of Florida-ness: A Lincoln Town Car going 20mph in the left lane.

19. This news segment:

Level of Florida-ness: Half-assing the Stingray Shuffle.

20. This:

Level of Florida-ness: Wearing a sweater and jeans when it’s below 70 degrees.

21. A boat riding down the neighborhood street after a flood.

Level of Florida-ness: A Costco-sized vat of OFF! bug spray.

22. These myths:

Level of Florida-ness: Never seeing snow.

23. This Walmart fan:

Level of Florida-ness: A souvenir T-shirt declaring that “it’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.”

24. This hungry customer:

Level of Florida-ness: An elderly man ahead of you at Publix buying one pear.

25. This driver:

Level of Florida-ness: Having house parties during hurricanes.

26. This criminal:

Level of Florida-ness: The world’s largest Cuban sandwich.

27. This view from the side-mirror:

Level of Florida-ness: Playing mahjong with your grandma at the senior center.

28. This guy taking up a whole parking spot with his golf cart.

Level of Florida-ness: A no-see-um bite BETWEEN your toes.

29. This:

Level of Florida-ness: A sold-out Jimmy Buffett concert.

30. This:

Level of Florida-ness: Florida Man twitter account.

31. And this:

Level of Florida-ness: Sending a woman to jail for 20 years for firing a warning shot in the wall.

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